Director's Cut
by Black Dragon6
Summary: It's the re-filming of the Ranma 1/2 series! Join Hollywood director Black Dragon and his assistant, Max Nova, as they fight against budget cuts, bad acting, and the Knights of the True Fiancee in the heart of L.A.! *Completed*
1. Take 1

Director's Cut  
  
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
Most of the characters used belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Those that don't either belong to another famous anime creator or me. I am using them without permission purely for non-protfit entertainment. Don't sue me, I don't even get paid to do this.  
  
  
  
This is a fanfiction inspired by the works of John Biles, mostly, and some other fic I saw that made up a bunch of "outtakes" from the original anime. I'm doing something like that, but taking it a step up...  
  
  
  
Director's Cut  
  
Take 1  
  
  
  
************************************************************************** ********  
  
  
  
"All right people! Move it, let's move it!"  
  
Black Dragon, or BD, as most people called him, was a tall, thin man, with brown hair, glasses, and a fairly unnattractive face. He directed his wretched, underpaid lackeys... er, "employees", around the set, in preparation for filming while his assistant director, Max Nova, gave the camera crews their initial instructions. Max was even taller than he was, and decidingly better looking, with light brown hair with blond streaks and thick, hard muscle hidden beneath a heavy brown trench coat.  
  
BD sighed to himself in preparation. Everything was going perfectly for the filming. True, this was day 1, and the filming hadn't actually begun yet, but why bother with petty details like that? He barely expected to make it this far. He was going to do a complete refilming of the Ranma series, with added special effects and "stuff like that" (quote his expense accountant). Sure, it had been done already with Star Wars, and you couldn't really put special effects into an anime very well, but the producers had been desperate.  
  
So now here he was. All he had to do was get the actors to cooperate and follow the script, and he would be set for life.  
  
A low rumble came from the cloudless sky. He tried desperately to ignore it.  
  
  
  
"Max, where are my actors?"  
  
"They're being called to the set, sir. They'll be here any moment."  
  
As if on cue, Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi walked into the staging room, and went on to the set. Soun appeared a moment later, bawling his eyes out as he walked up to the table prop with a postcard on it.  
  
BD blinked. "What's with him?"  
  
Nabiki shook her head. "He just found out how much your lawyers screwed him over on his contract. Poor Daddy just has no financial sense."  
  
"Ah. Must not run in the family then, considering how much we're paying you."  
  
Nabiki smiled as she walked backstage. "What can I say, I'm a natural."  
  
  
  
Nabiki and the others left, and a stagehand signalled the camera as Soun calmed down slightly.  
  
  
  
"All right people, listen up. We go in for a shot of Soun, then back off and zoom to the postcard. Soun, when I give the signal, you begin. Got it?"  
  
Soun nodded, and the camera man did as instructed.  
  
Soun let out a long, heartfelt sigh, then spoke. "At last, they're coming. I'll have to tell the girls. Kasumi!"  
  
Kasumi poked her head out of the kitchen. "Yes father?"  
  
"Nabiki!"  
  
Nabiki stepped out of her room and called down the stairs.  
  
"What is it Dad?"  
  
"Akane!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Where is that girl?"  
  
Akane popped up behind him.  
  
"Right here dad."  
  
"Ah!!"  
  
Soun jumped onto the ceiling and held on, demonstrating excellent mastery of the Saotome ceiling-clinging technique.  
  
  
  
BD's voice reverberated throughout the staging area as he yelled through a megaphone. "CUT! Akane, what are you doing? You don't show up until the next scene!"  
  
Akane blinked. "Are you sure?"  
  
BD lowered his head, then raised it again. "Yes I'm sure! Didn't you read the script?"  
  
Akane blushed and looked at her feet. "Well, not really, but I figured I could just ad-lib the parts I don't remember from canon......"  
  
BD shook his head. "No no no... could someone give her a quick script reading?"  
  
A stagehand walked up with a copy, and BD sighed. Max spoke up optomistically.  
  
"Don't worry big guy, we'll get through this, give or take a few tries."  
  
"I hope you're right Max."  
  
Akane finished with the script, and the stagehand took it back, copping a quick feel along the way and scurrying away before she could enact revenge.  
  
He didn't get far enough.  
  
"PERVERT!!!" Akane picked up the back wall of the set (revealing a very surprised Ryoga) and hurled it at the stagehand, sending him flying into the far wall of the room, and crushing his non-animated body like a ripe grape.  
  
Most of the stagehands went wide-eyed. The rest, such as Black Dragon and Max, just blinked.  
  
BD turned toward his assistant. "Get a janitor in here. Oh, and get that guy's employee file and notify his next of kin and everything. Remember, the accident was 'non-work related'."  
  
Max nodded and left. BD turned back to the set. "All right Akane, let's cool it down a bit. You ready to go?"  
  
Akane glared at the rest of the stagehands, as if daring them to try what their companion had tried.  
  
"I'm ready."  
  
"Good. Next scene!"  
  
  
  
"Hi-yaa!" With that, another cinder block joined its brothers in the dust pile, at the hands of one Akane Tendo. Nabiki walked up to her from behind, shaking her head.  
  
"Sheesh Akane, no wonder the guys at school all think you're so weird."  
  
Akane glowered at her sister briefly. "So what? Not everyone thinks the world revolves around boys!"  
  
Nabiki turned to the cameras. "Hold on, I have a question."  
  
  
  
"Cut! What is it?"  
  
"Why do we use that line? Akane's the most popular girl in school, the guys don't think she's weird."  
  
BD stopped and thought about it. "That's......... that's true, huh? Hmmmmmm. Oh well, I guess you can just make something up then."  
  
Akane glared at BD. "Hey, how come she gets to make up her own lines?"  
  
"She's in the right scene. Besides, we pay her more than twice as much, so I figure she should at least have to be a little creative for it."  
  
Nabiki briefly thought of demanding extra money to make up her own lines, but decided against it.  
  
"All right! Action!"  
  
  
  
Nabiki walked up behind Akane, shaking her head. "Sheesh Akane, the way you act, it's a wonder all the guys at school don't think you're some kind of uncute tomboy."  
  
Akane gave a dark glare towards Nabiki, who chuckled. BD gave Nabiki a thumbs up.  
  
Akane's glare turned into a smirk. "Well, at least all the guys aren't too afraid of me to ask me for a date."  
  
Nabiki's chuckle was cut off immediately. If looks could kill, Akane would have been a bloody mess.  
  
"Well, it's a wonder they're not all afraid of you, seeing how you're so VIOLENT and act like a spoiled brat!"  
  
BD tried to intervene. "Um, girls, I think that's enough." He was promptly ignored.  
  
Akane's glare returned full force. "Well, at least I'm not a cold mercenary who only cares about money!"  
  
Nabiki retorted, "Oh yeah? Well at least I can boil water without starting a fire in the kitchen!"  
  
BD tried again. "All right, that's enough, now!"  
  
"You're a manipulative witch!!"  
  
"You're a psychopath who swims like a lead weight and cooks like a Scottish sheepherder with no taste buds!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!"  
  
  
  
The sonic blast was sufficient to both stop the girls from arguing, and knock down everyone on the way to the stage.  
  
Seeing that he had everyone's attention, BD lowered the volume on his megaphone.  
  
"Start filming after Nabiki's line. Akane, just follow the script, all right?"  
  
Akane grumbled, but nodded.  
  
  
  
"So what, not everyone thinks the world revolves around boys!"  
  
Nabiki smirked. "Well, I guess this wouldn't interest you then."  
  
Akane blinked.  
  
  
  
"Cut! Good! Now for the street scene! Where's Ranko?"  
  
Max walked up to the director's chair. "She'll be here in a minute. Genma's right there."  
  
BD turned around to note the appearance of a large, bald man with glasses zippering himself up into a giant panda costume.  
  
"Good. We'll also need Ranma out here."  
  
"No problem."  
  
BD turned around to see Ranma and Ranko, the former with his arm around the latter's waist. He nodded his approval.  
  
"Good. Now Ranko, as you're running down the street, and I want to see anger directed toward your father, the panda, okay? He's the cause of your suffering. He's the cause of your misery. Got that?"  
  
"Got it!" was Ranko's enthusiastic reply.  
  
"Good. We also have to get you wet. It's supposed to be raining."  
  
*Splash*  
  
Ranko blushed as a nearby stagehand started making wolf whistles at her, as her breasts were now clearly visible through the thin silk fabric. Ranma glared at him. He didn't stop. Ranma picked up a small piece of a broken camera lying on the ground, and threw it above the lecherous employee. A stage light came down with an audible *squish* as the man underneath was reduced to a puddle of blood.  
  
Ranko smiled shyly at her boyfriend, then walked onto the stage.  
  
"*Sigh* Max, take care of that guy and get a new light, would you?"  
  
"Right away."  
  
Max stared at Ranma for a bit. Ranma shrugged.  
  
"What can I say? I'm the jealous type."  
  
BD rolled his eyes, then turned back to the filming.  
  
"All right! ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Ranko ran down the street, soaking wet (and earning very appreciative, though silent, gestures from the various stagehands), being chased by Genma. Suddenly, Ranko turns around.  
  
"Well I still say the whole thing SUCKS!"  
  
Genma throws a punch, and Ranko grabs it, then body-slams the larger creature over her shoulder.  
  
"Choosing my fiancee for me... without even asking!"  
  
Ranko lands a few feet away, then turns back down the street, flicking her pigtail over her shoulder.  
  
"I'm going back to China. So suck on THAT, old man!"  
  
She started to walk away, when Genma gets up, and smashes her over the head with a traffic sign.  
  
  
  
"Cut! Good, good! Next scene, Tendo living room!"  
  
Ranko opens her eyes, then knees Genma in the mouth.  
  
"You didn't have to hit me that hard, you know."  
  
Genma retrieved a sign from somewhere behind his back. [Stop whining. You can take it. Be a man!]  
  
Ranko gave Genma a flat stare.  
  
Genma managed to sweatdrop through the panda costume. [Uh, never mind.]  
  
BD spoke up. "All right. Cameras, take an outside shot of the dojo, and then that's the girls' first line! Then scene switches to the family room, got it? ACTION!"  
  
  
  
"FIANCEE?!"  
  
Inside the dojo, the mood between the characters varied widely. Akane looked totally distressed. Nabiki was surprised. Kasumi looked slightly less cheerful. Soun looked totally unconcerned and peaceful, like he was just telling his daughters that they would be having nice weather that week.  
  
"Yes, an agreement made before you were born states that Saotome's son must marry one of you, to inherit the dojo and carry on the tradition of the Anything-Goes school."  
  
Akane was angry. "Hey, don't we get a say in who we marry?"  
  
Nabiki was interested. "Is he cute?"  
  
Kasumi was thoughtful. "He'd better be a major hunk, or I won't marry him."  
  
The rest of the family stared at her. Kasumi smiled.  
  
  
  
BD sighed and held up his megaphone. "Kasumi, stick to the script."  
  
Kasumi pouted. "Really, you're no fun at all."  
  
"Let's start after Nabiki's comment. ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Kasumi looked thoughtful. "I hope he's not younger than me. Younger men are so... young."  
  
Nabiki looked at Soun. "What kind of guy is this Ranma, anyway?"  
  
The three sisters looked at Soun, who in turn stared out the window, into the backyard.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"You..." Kasumi started.  
  
"Don't..." Akane continued.  
  
"Know?" Nabiki finished.  
  
  
  
BD stared for a moment, and then looked at Max, who just shrugged.  
  
  
  
"I've never met him."  
  
Just when it seemed that Akane was going to explode, there was a knock on the door.  
  
"Ooh, it must be Ranma!"  
  
Soun and Nabiki rushed to the door to meet the guests. Kasumi got up soon after to follow them. Akane just stood at the table muttering to herself.  
  
"BOYS! How depressing!"  
  
Kasumi and Akane were quite surprised when Nabiki and Soun ran back towards them in a panic.  
  
Nabiki waved her arms around and yelled, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"  
  
Genma, still in the panda outfit, poked his head out from behind the corner, along with a sign.  
  
[We're not British, we're Japanese!]  
  
  
  
Nabiki smirked. "Sorry. I've always wanted to do that."  
  
BD sighed. "Whatever. Start running away from Genma again. ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Genma walked into view, grunting as Ranko struggled from within his grasp.  
  
"Stop it! You're scaring 'em spitless!"  
  
Kasumi frowned. "Are these your friends, father?"  
  
Soun shook his head frantically.  
  
Nabiki glared at her father. "Oh, so this panda just decided to come over and visit? Happens all the time!"  
  
Genma put down his cargo, and Soun immediately grasped the one possible aspect of this occurence that he could handle.  
  
"Are you...?"  
  
Ranko scratched the back of her head uncomfortably.  
  
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."  
  
Soun swept her into a crushing hug. "Oh Saotome, at-"*POW!*  
  
Ranko's fist met Soun's face. "Hey, watch the hands, buster!"  
  
  
  
"Cut! Ranko, what are you doing?"  
  
"This guy is trying to feel me up!"  
  
Soun looked confused, and then started spouting apologies. "I'm terribly sorry, I meant nothing of the sort."  
  
Ranma called to Ranko from the side of the director. "Take it easy, Ranko! If he's tries anything, I'll take care of him later, all right?"  
  
Ranko brightened immediately. "Okay! Sorry Tendo, I got a little carried away."  
  
Soun rubbed his now sore nose. "Um, yes. Of course."  
  
"ACTION!"  
  
  
  
"Oh Saotome, at last!" Soun cautiously embraced Ranko, but tried to make it look like a crushing, uncontrolled hug.  
  
Soun blinked, then took a step back, holding Ranko by the shoulders while he inspected her.  
  
Nabiki walked up from the side and took a good long look at Ranko's prominent assets.  
  
"Daddy, he, is a she."  
  
Soun fainted.  
  
  
  
"All right, good, good! Next scene, get Soun under some blankets!"  
  
Max looked over the various stagehands. "This is going rather well. Except for the two emplyees we lost, there haven't been any major accidents."  
  
"Mouko Takabisha!" A stagehand that had attempted to cop a feel from Ranko was reduced to dust.  
  
BD looked at the man's remains. "Make that three employees. At least we don't need a janitor this time. Maybe we should've hired women instead."  
  
Max shook his head. "That wouldn't be adviseable. The girls around here get jealous far more easily than the guys do."  
  
BD looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hm. You're right. Oh well. You guys ready?"  
  
The actors took their positions on the stage.  
  
"And... ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Soun cried softly, a small waterfall of tears thouroughly soaking the pillow his head laid on.  
  
"But Saotome said he had a son..."  
  
Kasumi looked down at her father, shaking her head. "Poor father. He's so disappointed."  
  
Nabiki looked indignant. "He's disappointed? Some fiancee this is!" Nabiki squeezed Ranko's breasts for emphasis.  
  
Ranko's eyes sort of glazed over, and she moaned quietly. "Ooh, Ranma......"  
  
Everyone stared at her. Hard.  
  
Ranko realized what she had just said, and her face turned cherry. Ranma had also become quite self-conscious all of a sudden.  
  
  
  
BD held up his megaphone. "I'm not even gonna ask. Let's do that over. ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Ranko looked annoyed. "Could you please stop that?"  
  
Akane gently removed Nabiki's hand from Ranko's chest. "Nabiki, cut that out! She's our guest!"  
  
Akane turned to Ranko and smiled. "Hi! I'm Akane! Want to be friends?"  
  
Ranko stared for a moment, then smiled herself. "Okay!"  
  
"We have a dojo in the back. Would you like to do a little sparring?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
They walked out of the room, and the camera followed.  
  
"You practice kempo, right?"  
  
Ranko paused in her observation of the dojo to reply. "Oh, a little."  
  
Akane took up a stance, and Ranko stood at the other end.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll go easy on you, okay? Here I come!"  
  
Akane threw a punch toward Ranko, which was easily dodged. She leveled a kick at the redhead, and that was also dodged.  
  
Akane took a step back. 'Is she reading my moves?' "All right, this time it's for real!"  
  
Akane charged forward, intent on slamming Ranko through the back wall. Ranko ducked under the blow, tripped up Akane with a leg sweep, and then did a powerful uppercut to complement the manuever.  
  
  
  
"Cut! Cut! Ranko, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"  
  
Ranko turned toward BD. "What?"  
  
Max shook his head. "You're just supposed to dodge."  
  
"But she said we were fighting for real!" Ranko whined.  
  
Akane stood up, dazed and holding her head. "Boy, have I got a hangover. Wait, I don't drink........."  
  
BD sagged. "Ranko, you're playing Ranma, and Ranma doesn't hit girls, all right?"  
  
By his side, Ranma nodded in agreement.  
  
"But he hits girls when he's a girl! And right now we're both girls!"  
  
"Yeah, but............ um, that is............ why didn't he fight back?"  
  
Max shrugged. "No clue."  
  
A stagehand, who was helping Akane up (and avoiding any no-go zones, thankfully) spoke up.  
  
"It's probably his sense of honor. Akane's pathetic compared to Ranma, so actually fighting her would be like a normal guy fighting a bratty 5-year old who thinks he's really tough."  
  
Throughout the whole speech, the man didn't notice that Akane was glowing until it was too late.  
  
"Pathetic am I?! Take this!!" Akane's mallet of doom fell, and crushed the man like an egg.  
  
BD looked thoughtful. "Yeah, I think he's right. Scrape what's left of him off the stage. Did you hear all that, Ranko?"  
  
Ranko nodded as Akane got into position.  
  
"Good. ACTION!"  
  
  
  
"All right, this time it's for real!" Akane charged forward, but hit only air as Ranko jumped over her, and tapped her on the forehead.  
  
Akane stared for a moment, then chuckled. "Heh, you win. You're really good."  
  
Ranko smiled. "Thanks."  
  
"Um, don't tell anybody I said this, but I'm really glad you're not a guy."  
  
Ranko's smile disappeared. "Why's that?"  
  
"'Cause I'd really hate to lose to a guy!"  
  
Ranko doesn't respond, but her shoulders slump down slightly. Akane leaves for the family room. Ranko just stands there for a bit, then leaves.  
  
On her way out of the dojo, he runs into Kasumi, who's holding a bundle of towels.  
  
"Oh, Ranma, you've just finished working out with Akane, haven't you? Why don't you take a bath?"  
  
Ranko looks at her, then the question seems to register. "No, that's okay. Maybe later."  
  
Kasumi nods and walks off. Ranko stands in the hallway, seemingly contemplating this turn of events. Soon, she turns around and heads upstairs.  
  
"I think I'll take that bath."  
  
  
  
BD clapped his hands. "Great job! Good acting, Ranko!"  
  
Ranko beamed from the praise and bowed. "Thank you!"  
  
One of the stagehands got a nosebleed from the exposed cleavage. Fortunately, nobody noticed.  
  
"Okay, next scene, Nabiki walks by and sees Genma, we set?"  
  
Max tapped him on the shoulder. "Not quite, sir." He gestured to where several stagehands were struggling with the obviously stuck zipper of the panda costume.  
  
Genma was wildly waving a sign above his head that said [Help! Get me out of this thing!]  
  
BD sighed. "Max, go assist him, will you?"  
  
Max nodeded, and walked up to the struggling actor. He raised his fist, which was encased in a metal, high-tech looking gauntlet. A little door on the top of the glove opened, and a small metal box popped out. The box glowed for a moment, and then a four foot long purple energy blade shot out of it.  
  
Unfortunately, it beheaded one of the employees in the process.  
  
"Whoops. My bad. Sorry." Max grinned sheepishly, then sliced open the panda costume. He turned around and accidently gouged another stagehand before he remembered to turn the energy blade off.  
  
BD watched, his lips pursed in thought. "Hmmmmmm. We'll have to step up the hiring process to replace those guys. And get another panda suit. We only have one spare."  
  
Genma hurried onto the set, and sat next to Soun.  
  
"All right, ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Nabiki walks by a doorway, and stops when she sees her father crying silently before another man she had never seen before. She left the hallway, and saw Kasumi cleaning.  
  
"Hey sis, who's that guy with Daddy?"  
  
Kasumi turned to regard her younger sister. "I haven't the slightest idea."  
  
Akane walked by, wiping her forehead with the sleeve of her gi.  
  
"Oh, Akane, the bath is ready, why don't you go take one?"  
  
Akane nodded. "All right Kasumi."  
  
Akane went up the stairs.  
  
  
  
"Alright, bathroom scene! Ranko, you're up!"  
  
  
  
Ranko started to undress as the cameras started rolling. Many of the various employees began to drool. They each suddenly felt a chill down their spines, and turned to see Ranma's glare bearing down on the entire room. Those that were able to turn around did so, and those that weren't, such as the camera men, clamped their mouths shut.  
  
Ranko slid into the water, only to get out a moment later.  
  
  
  
One of the stagehands turned around and snuck a peek. One ki blast later, and he was reduced to so much dust.  
  
"All right, Ranma, you're in the bath, let's go."  
  
Ranma quickly undressed and stepped into the bath as Ranko toweled herself off, stopping only to give her a peck on the cheek.  
  
"All right, ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Ranma sat in the furo, seemingly contemplating something.  
  
"Well, I might as well go out like this."  
  
Ranma stood up. Akane walked in the bathroom. They both stopped and stared at each other.  
  
Akane's face acquired a red tint, and Ranma just shrugged and walked out of the room.  
  
On the way out, he gave her a small pat on the shoulder. "I'm done. Bath's all yours, cutie."  
  
  
  
"CUT!!!" A few people standing between BD and the stage fell over from the amplified yell.  
  
"What is it?" Ranma, now clad in a towel, asked as poked his head back into the bathroom.  
  
"What was that? You're supposed to just stand there stunned! You're not supposed to move, you're not supposed to talk, and you're not supposed to blush!!"  
  
Akane seemed to recover her wits. "Er, sorry about that. It's a, you know, reaction..."  
  
Ranma gave Black Dragon a curious expression. "Why, exactly, do I just stand there?"  
  
"You're supposed to be sexually inexperienced! That way there's more tension! You're supposed to act like you haven't even talked to a girl for a couple of years!"  
  
Ranma scratched his head. "But wouldn't that cause me to jump on the first woman I saw?"  
  
"..................... All right, sexually inexperienced and hormonally deficient. Besides, you turn into a girl. Now get back in the tub!"  
  
"Furo," Ranma corrected.  
  
"Don't give me that Japanese terminology! Now let's do it again! And this time no blushing! ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Akane walked into the bathroom. They both stopped and stared at each other.  
  
This continued for about a minute......  
  
Akane slowly shut the door, went back into the changing room, got dressed, stepped out of the changing room, and screamed.  
  
Or, she tried to.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-*hack* *cough* *hack*!"  
  
  
  
Many people around the stage started laughing as Akane tried to clear her throat. Max retrieved a glass of water and gave it to her, and she readily accepted.  
  
She drank the water, and cleared her throat.  
  
"All right, let's take that again. ACTION!"  
  
  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
The camera panned down to the rest of the family, who was startled by the sudden shout.  
  
Akane came running down the stairs, and hefted the dining room table.  
  
"Akane, what's wrong?" asked Kasumi in surprise.  
  
"There's a pervert in the bathroom!"  
  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Why didn't you just beat him down with your bare fists?"  
  
"Because I was scared, Nabiki!"  
  
"Um, excuse me?"  
  
All the Tendo sisters, plus Soun, who had just recently appeared to see what was wrong, turned their attention toward the pigtailed boy on the stairs, who was currently scratching the back of his head nervously.  
  
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about all this."  
  
  
  
"Cut! All right, next scene!"  
  
A stagehand approached the director. "Um, sir?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"We've got a problem. The main camera is out. We'll have it fixed in a moment, but we'll need to use the extra projector from the warehouse."  
  
BD sighed. He was currently draining his budget faster than he would like, what with all the equipment that would need replacements, plus the hiring costs to replace the deceased stagehands. "Make it so." 'Damn, I've always wanted to say that.'  
  
Ranma looked at the camera men and the smoking hulk of machinery next to them.  
  
"Well, it looks like we won't be filming for a bit."  
  
Kasumi smiled and leaned close to him, running her hand over his leg and squeezing his thigh.  
  
"Maybe later we can get a drink together, what do you say?"  
  
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Kasumi, you can be such a tramp."  
  
Kasumi giggled.  
  
Ranma smiled. "Well, I would have to ask Ranko if it's okay."  
  
Before he could blink, Ranko was next to Kasumi, glaring at her. "And 'Ranko' would have to say no."  
  
Kasumi pouted and leaned into Ranma. "You really need to learn to share. It's not nice to be selfish."  
  
Ranma just looked away innocently as Kasumi snuggled against him, trying to portray that he had nothing to do with any of this.  
  
Ranko's left eye began to twitch nervously. "I'll show you nice, you little-"  
  
"Done!"  
  
"All right, let's get a move on! Ranko, off the set, please!"  
  
Ranko grumbled a lot, but eventually left the set as Kasumi got off of Ranma and back into character.  
  
"ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Genma sighed. "How about we do this again. My name is Saotome Genma, and this is my son-"  
  
"Ranma Saotome," Ranma finished.  
  
Nabiki was curious. "You were that girl and panda from before?"  
  
Genma nodded, his face grim. "Yes, you see, it all happened back in China......"  
  
  
  
"All right, run the flashback scene from the original series. Let's go straight to the next scene. Right...... now!  
  
  
  
Nabiki stared. "So you're both cursed?"  
  
Genma adjusted his glasses. "Yes, now how to demonstrate..."  
  
Genma reached out to grab Ranma, but before his hand could close, Ranma punted him outside into the koi pond.  
  
  
  
Genma broke the surface of the pond and sputtered. "Hey! I'm supposed to do that to you!"  
  
Ranma smirked. "I know. But that really doesn't make any sense, since I'm supposed to be, and am, the better martial artist of us two."  
  
Genma turned toward the director for support. "He's not following the script!"  
  
BD shrugged. "Oh well. He has a good reason, and I really don't feel like doing that scene over again. Get in your panda suit."  
  
Genma grumbled as he obliged, with Ranma smirking at him the whole time.  
  
"ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Genma stumbled in the house, and was about to grab Ranma and toss him, when a stream of hot water poured down on top of his head.  
  
  
  
Genma yelped. "Ouch! Hot hot hot!!"  
  
BD yelled at him through the megaphone. "Stop whining and get out of that suit! I'd like to finish this episode before I'm old and gray!"  
  
Genma growled at him, and despite not being in his panda costume, pulled out a sign.  
  
[Shut up! My contract doesn't include having to bow down to some bossy director!]  
  
"Your contract also doesn't include any clauses saying you must survive the shooting of the film. And let me assure you, Max is more than capable of dealing with martial artists."  
  
Max made a muscle gesture, and one of his gauntlets opened up and shot a wave of blue fire into the air. A nearby camera man was reduced to a blackened skeleton. Nobody noticed.  
  
"And, ACTION!"  
  
  
  
Soun smiled as he put down the kettle he used to pour the hot water.  
  
"And hot water returns you to normal!"  
  
"It needn't be that hot Tendo!"  
  
Soun walked up behind Ranma and patted him on the back. "Well then, your problem isn't so bad!"  
  
Soun then turned Ranma toward the three Tendo sisters, who each sweatdropped.  
  
Soun gestured to Akane. "This is Akane, she's 16."  
  
Then to Nabiki. "This is Nabiki, she's 17."  
  
And finally to Kasumi. "This is Kasumi, she's 19."  
  
Akane found herself being pushed forward by Kasumi and Nabiki. "Oh, he wants Akane!" "Yeah, definitely!"  
  
Akane was about to retort, when Ranma beat her to it. "Nah, I think I like Kasumi better."  
  
Everyone blinked.  
  
Kasumi blinked again, then shrugged. *Glomp* "Okay!"  
  
  
  
*Bam* *bam* *bam* *bam*  
  
The employees had their attention caught between watching BD slam his head against a stage light, or watching Ranko stalk up to Kasumi, who had attached herself to Ranma.  
  
"Hey, get off of my Ranma!"  
  
Ranma wrapped his arms around Kasumi, and gave Ranko a friendly grin. "Hey, chill out Ranko, we're not getting serious or anything. It's all in good fun, right Kasumi?"  
  
"Right!" Kasumi smiled brightly as she snuck a hand under Ranma's clothes.  
  
Ranko failed to notice, and just fumed silently.  
  
Ranma sighed and got up, which disappointed Kasumi greatly. He quickly embraced Ranko, who started blushing profusely.  
  
"Ranko, you know that no matter how many other chicks are dying to get into my pants, you'll always be my number one girl." He planted a long, passionate kiss on her lips.  
  
This was soon noticed by a number of other parties.  
  
Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi, Azuza, Ms. Hinako's adult form, and young Cologne all bursted into the room. Upon seeing Ranma and Ranko kissing, they immediately began to descend on the pair.  
  
There was a loud *crash!* as many of the males of the series, including Kuno, Ryoga, Mousse, Toma, Ryu, Tarou, and Happosai all came out of a brand new hole in the far wall of the studio. Upon seeing Ranma and Ranko kissing, they all immediately began to descend on the pair.  
  
Ranma and Ranko were quick to react, and soon the group lynching had turned into an all-out free-for-all, with the only sounds besides the incredible destruction being the occasional cry of a dying studio employee unfortunate enough to get caught in the fray. Surprisingly, or maybe not, all the non-martial artists managed to simply walk out of the middle of the battle unscathed.  
  
BD would've cried, but being a rather rational man, just decided to go home instead.  
  
"Tell me, Max? Are they still filming?"  
  
Max looked over to the main camera, just as the camera man was struck by a poorly aimed blade throw, and fell to his knees.  
  
"Um, the camera's still recording, if that's what you mean."  
  
BD got off his director's chair and walked past Max, right before a stray energy blast reduced the piece of furniture to atoms. He retrieved his coat from a hook on the wall, right before the wall was blown to pieces, and walked out of the smoking hole that used to hold a doorway, his assistant director trailing close behind.  
  
"Good. I'm leaving. Get the tape, and send it in for editing. Use footage from the original Ranma show or something. And if any of the hiring agents survive, tell them they're fired."  
  
Black Dragon left. Max nodded, and turned back toward the studio right before the walls holding up the roof gave out, and the ceiling collapsed in on itself.  
  
'Sheesh,' Max thought, 'and this is just day 1.'  
  
  
  
************************************************************************** ********  
  
  
  
Author's notes:  
  
How'd you like it? Send C&C to revcoll@peoplepc.com  
  
You may wonder what I was doing back there. Well, I basically made the actors just like the characters they were supposed to play, except no curses (hence Ranko and the panda suit) and I also removed some character's key personality traits. In Ranma's case, the actor lacks his fear of intimacy and general libido control, making him into the kind of playboy everyone in the series thinks Ranma to be. In Kasumi's case, she lacks the indominatable innocence that she's always displayed. If I continue this series, more characters like that will be displayed, though I could actually just make this a one-shot. Hmmmmmm.  
  
If any entry-level studio employees are reading this, no I do not have anything against you. I just like watching (or reading) a bunch of nameless, unimportant extras die.  
  
What possessed me to write this? Well, I am the Lord of Chaos after all. It's not like I hear voices in my head and do what they say, or anything at all related in any way to anything like that.......................................  
  
  
  
Black Dragon 


	2. Take 2

Director's Cut  
  
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
revcoll@peoplepc.com  
  
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/fanficlair/index.html  
  
  
  
Standard disclaimers apply. If you recognize anyone here from an anime series, then I don't own them. If I did, then I'd be living the high life, sitting in a lounge chair and sipping root beer from a mug the size of my BMW, not writing this.  
  
  
  
Director's Cut  
  
Take 2  
  
  
  
************************************************************************** ********  
  
  
  
This was the moment of truth. The climax. The point of no return. This was the single moment where fate would rear its ugly head and make the final decision.  
  
Black Dragon sat at one end of the table, his piercing gaze boring imaginary holes into his arch-enemy, the antagonist and bane of his career.  
  
The director looked to side at his assistant, who if anything seemed more nervous than he was.  
  
  
  
The producer looked up from the expense report, and raised an eyebrow.  
  
  
  
BD deflated instantly. That was not a good sign.  
  
  
  
"Now let's be completely honest here, Dragon," the fat, heavy-set man began, as he stood up from out of his chair.  
  
"The recording you sent me was nothing short of ridiculous. It's quite obvious your project has failed."  
  
The producer took a sip of his coffee, then continued.  
  
"Your actors aren't even following the script, you destroyed the entire studio you were using, nearly all the studio workers are dead, and you've spent your entire budget allowance on the filming of the first episode."  
  
Max was quick to defend his boss. "And you'll note that not a single one of those incidences is his fault!"  
  
The producer shook his head. "You can say that, but it is up to the director to maintain order on the set. Your actors have no discipline, and you have no regard for the lives of your lower-level employees!"  
  
The producer calmed down, then looked out the window. "I simply have to terminate this project. It's getting too far out of hand! Why, just last night I was kept up all night by two people 'fooling around' just outside my house! Later, one of them was identified as Saotome!"  
  
The producer wiped his brow, then looked at Max. "Did they ever find out who the other was?"  
  
Max nodded sheepishly. "I believe it was your daughter, sir."  
  
The older man quickly fell over, knocking his chair on top of himself in the process.  
  
  
  
Black Dragon leaned forward over the desk.  
  
"You really shouldn't be facefaulting at your age, sir. It's dangerous for real people."  
  
The producer recovered and stood up, dusting himself off.  
  
"I'm sorry, but you're all fired! Now please go!"  
  
BD sighed. "All right sir. I understand. But before I go, could I please have the honor of opening your window?"  
  
The producer blinked, obviously confused. "Er, sure. Go right ahead."  
  
  
  
True to his word, Black Dragon walked to the side of the office and opened the window, quickly stepping to the side as he did so. A thick green vine shot into the room, grabbed the producer, and dragged him outside before the overweight man could even scream.  
  
  
  
Black Dragon dusted off his hands, and Max nodded approvingly.  
  
"Good thing we had a plan B."  
  
BD nodded. "Right. Make sure to write a letter thanking the Blue Seed 9 people for the use of their Aragami."  
  
  
  
Max nodded and jotted the note down on a notepad as they exited the office.  
  
"Let's see... we'll need a new producer... try to get someone from Disney. They have the real money."  
  
Max nodded again. "What shall we do in the meantime? We're almost broke."  
  
BD stopped for a moment. "Hmmmmm...... what's the average death rate of the studio workers?"  
  
Max took out a spreadsheet and scanned it. "99%."  
  
BD blinked. "Who survived?"  
  
"The special effects assistant. He was sick."  
  
BD looked thoughtful for a moment. "Take out life insurance policies on all the new hires, with me as the benefactor. Tell all the new guys that it's because they're so valuable."  
  
Max and Black Dragon laughed evilly at the prospect as the note was written.  
  
  
  
Max looked over the figures and smiled. "All right, that should easily cover expenses. Except we don't have a studio."  
  
Black Dragon smiled. "No problemo."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
"Waaaaagh!"  
  
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
"Ack! Help!"  
  
"Let go of me! Aaaaaaaaaah!"  
  
  
  
With a futile scream of protest, another member of the cast of Geobreeders came sailing out of the studio doors, rolling and tumbling on the ground to a halt.  
  
Maki Umezaki got up and shook her fist at the intruders threateningly.  
  
"You won't get away with this! We've got rights! You'll be hearing from my lawyer!"  
  
Max didn't even blink as Ryoga tossed Taba outside next to his co- workers.  
  
"Yeah, well you won't be hearing from him, if he works up the guts to set up a meeting. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"  
  
Takami Sakuragi got up as the doors slammed shut. "Something tells me we'd better just leave."  
  
"No way!" Maki growled. "These low-lifes are gonna eat lead, soon as I get my hands on an M-16!!"  
  
Taba got up and rubbed his head. "Geez, those guys are tough. Wait... what's that sound?"  
  
  
  
A low rumble soon turned into a heavy tremor, as the studio doors burst open and a river of cats ran down the Kagura employees.  
  
Taba and the others had just started to peel themselves off the ground when the sound of gunfire filled the room, and they were again trampled, this time by the Hounds.  
  
  
  
Irie turned back and yelled at their tormentors as his subordinates fled. "We'll be back! Your days are numbered!"  
  
"Get lost, loser!"  
  
A jet of purple flame shot out of a window, and nearly incinerated the executive, who opted to flee like his fellow Hounds.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
Max blew some smoke from his left gauntlet as he walked back into the studio.  
  
"Area clear sir! We can begin filming at your command!"  
  
Black Dragon steepled his fingers together in a classic Gendo Ikari pose.  
  
"Excellent. I trust there are no further problems?"  
  
Max's smile faded. "Actually, there are."  
  
BD would've facefaulted, but he wasn't an anime character. Instead he stumbled just enough to knock over a heavy camera, which crushed a hapless stagehand.  
  
  
  
"Oh my God! Bill!"  
  
"Don't worry, he was insured."  
  
  
  
BD and Max snickered at that, before their faces turned serious.  
  
"So what's the problem?"  
  
"All the Ranma 1/2 sets were destroyed. Right now all we have are the Geobreeder sets."  
  
"Which are?"  
  
"An office, Taba's apartment, another office, and a construction site."  
  
BD thought that over.  
  
"Crud."  
  
"My words exactly sir."  
  
BD sighed and leaned back in his director's chair.  
  
"Get Ranma and Kuno in here. Oh, and Ranko too. We'll have to go straight to the first Ranma/Kuno battle."  
  
Max blinked. "And it'll take place in an abandoned construction site?"  
  
BD nodded. "Right. Send someone to go get my actors."  
  
  
  
One of the stagehands was sent, and a moment later Kuno came onto the set, rehearsing the script one more time before filming.  
  
Then a scream, followed by an explosion echoed throughout the studio, followed by Ranma and Ranko appearing on the set, both looking flustered as they hastily adjusted their clothes.  
  
  
  
"Did you kill him?" It was a rhetorical question.  
  
Ranko's blush deepened slightly. "Well he should've knocked first!"  
  
  
  
Max appeared, and handed Kuno a cat.  
  
"All right, everyone on the set! We're going straight to the Kuno/Ranma battle!"  
  
"Wait!!" Ranma looked panicked.  
  
"What is it now?"  
  
Ranma pointed a quivering hand at the cat Kuno was holding. "That's supposed to be a doll!"  
  
Kuno nodded. "Yes, what do I do with this?"  
  
Max shrugged. "We don't have the props, so we have to improvise. All we've got is lots and lots of cats right now."  
  
"G-g-great......." said Ranko, from her position hiding behind Ranma.  
  
  
  
BD yawned. "Can we get a move on? I'd like to wrap this up before the new backdrops arrive!"  
  
  
  
Max shoved Ranma and Kuno on the set, right next to a service area. The cat started meowing indignantly, and Ranma tried his best not to flee in terror.  
  
  
  
BD yelled into his microphone. "You know the lines people! Action!"  
  
  
  
"Wh-what do you w-want K-Kuno?" Ranma stammered.  
  
Kuno frowned, and thrust the cat into his face. "Here!"  
  
*Pow!*  
  
"K-keep that thing away from me!!"  
  
  
  
"Cut! Kuno, don't shove it in his face, all right?"  
  
Kuno peeled himself off the steel support beam. "What kind of a man is afraid of cats?"  
  
"Hey!" Ranko called from the sidelines, "I'm scared of cats too! So don't make fun of him!"  
  
Kuno grumbled something incoherent and collected the small kitten.  
  
"Try moving ahead a little bit, okay? Action!"  
  
  
  
Kuno rested his bokken on his shoulder and glared at Ranma.  
  
"I want to know why I must give this to you! What is your connection to the pigtailed girl?!"  
  
"What? None of your business!"  
  
Ranma turned around and started to walk away.  
  
"You'd better just forget about her. If I have anything to say about it, you'll never see her again."  
  
  
  
Kuno started to respond, but at that moment the cat jumped out of his arms, and started running in Ranma's direction.  
  
Ranma, predictably, jumped onto a nearby pile of concrete pipes out of fear, which offset the precarious balance that the studio's previous owners had set for the props. The heavy pipes started rolling off the set, knocking over equipment and crushing nearby workers.  
  
  
  
BD watched as the small kitten ran across the studio, only to run through a wall and disappear.  
  
Max looked expectantly at his boss, ignoring the panic of the employees below.  
  
Black Dragon took a remote control out of his pocket, then pushed a small blue button. Almost instantly, a waterfall appeared above Ranma, drenching him to the bone.  
  
  
  
"Cut! Ranko, your turn!"  
  
Max gave him a look.  
  
BD rolled his eyes. "Well we can't expect everything to go smoothly, can we? In situations like this, we must improvise."  
  
Max shrugged. "I guess. We've been doing a lot of that lately."  
  
Kuno pulled himself free of the oversized construction materials. "Are we still following the script?"  
  
Ranko glanced at the director. "Yeah, I don't remember a scene like this anywhere."  
  
BD rubbed his temples in frustration. "Look, here's how it goes: Kuno, you hug Ranko, Ranko, you slug him one, then a tub falls on his head and you get splashed with hot water."  
  
Max tapped his employer on the shoulder.  
  
"You have those events out of order, and we don't know where Nabiki is-"  
  
"It's too late now! Action!"  
  
  
  
Kuno, looking rather unsure of himself, quickly approached Ranko with his arms outstretched.  
  
"Pigtailed girl! At last!"  
  
Before he could get his arms around her, she gave him a haymaker to the jaw, sending him reeling backwards into a pole. The vibration caused a good 1/10 of the structure to collapse instantly, and a steel I-beam fell onto Kuno.  
  
The impact of the beam hit a water line, which shot a quick spray of hot water onto Ranko.  
  
  
  
BD blinked. "Uh, what happened to the tub?"  
  
Max flinched. "We didn't plan any of that, sir."  
  
Ranko looked worried. "Did I get that right? Or was I supposed to let him hug me, then hit him?"  
  
Ranma looked at the remains of the set. "I wouldn't worry about it too much."  
  
"Was the entire set rigged to fall apart like that?"  
  
Max nodded. "Yes sir. That is more or less the Geobreeders theme."  
  
"Crud. All right people, everybody take 5! Is Kuno all right?"  
  
"There's a question I thought I'd never hear," Ranma commented.  
  
  
  
Max walked up to the kendoist, who had obviously been knocked out by the beam. A quick electric shock woke him up, but he still looked dizzy.  
  
"Kuno, how many fingers am I holding up?" Max held up a palm with his fingers spread out.  
  
"Wh-what? Which hand?"  
  
Max sweatdropped. "He's not okay!"  
  
Muttering curses in some obscure foreign language, BD took out his remote control.  
  
"Figures. I didn't want to have to do this, but..."  
  
Pushing a yellow button on the top, a little antennae popped out of the device. "MEDIC!!!"  
  
  
  
Those nearest to Kuno's body were wondering what was going on when a blue square appeared out of nowhere and expanded.  
  
When Washu stepped out of it in full nurse garb, everyone in the vicinty dove for cover, as far away from Kuno's prone form as possible.  
  
  
  
"What seems to be the trouble?"  
  
BD gave his 'everything will be all right' look in response to the numerous worried expressions he was recieving.  
  
"Kuno's barely conscious right now. We need him more conscious. And maybe give him a few painkillers too, he'll need them."  
  
Washu gave a smile that sent chills down the spines of everyone present.  
  
"Right away! It's no problem at all for the greatest scientific genius in the universe!"  
  
Washu then gave her long, evil laugh (TM), and those closest to her shuddered violently. They quickly found things to do elswhere.  
  
Taking out a large, liquid-filled cylinder with a vise on one end, she approached her hapless victim and clamped the vise over Kuno's arm. Then the mad scientist pushed a button on the side and stepped back.  
  
  
  
Ranma cautiously looked at the label on the cylinder.  
  
"Morphine X? Is that stuff safe?"  
  
Washu grinned. "No, not really. But I won't let little details like that stop me!"  
  
  
  
Once the canister had emptied, Washu packed it up in her dimensional pocket and started to step through her transportation gate.  
  
"Just give him a good shock to wake him up. He should be fine...... for at least 8 minutes. I'll send you my bill. Bye bye!"  
  
Everyone in the room collectively released the breaths they had been holding as she stepped through the portal and disappeared.  
  
  
  
BD nodded in Max's direction, and his assistant raised a gauntlet in Kuno's direction.  
  
A purple stream of electricity leapt out of Max's arm, frying 8 stagehands and missing Kuno completely.  
  
Ranma shook his head. "You did that on purpose."  
  
Max grinned sheepishly and fired again, this time only reducing 3 workers to ashes and striking Kuno directly.  
  
  
  
The kendoist shot up like a cat poked with a cattle prod, his eyes wide.  
  
  
  
BD nodded approvingly. "Good, good. Now Kuno, you....... ah, what are you doing?"  
  
Kuno was in fact rapidly attacking Ranma, chasing the young actor/martial artist all over the set.  
  
"Hey! We're not filming yet, stupid! Cut it out!" Ranma leapt up onto one of the support beams of the building.  
  
"Die knife!" Kuno snarled, then leapt after him.  
  
  
  
"Er, that's 'knave'," Max added feebly.  
  
  
  
Kuno slashed at Ranma, and ended up cutting a wooden board in two.  
  
"You will fly by the blight of the flu dunder!!" Kuno attacked again, his aim slightly better than his speech.  
  
  
  
Max sweatdropped. "He doesn't appear to be fully coherent."  
  
BD smacked himself in the forehead. "Nuts. Crud. Fudge. Bloody hell. Sentai."  
  
Black Dragon snapped his fingers, and Max handed him a Coke, which he downed as quickly as possible.  
  
"Well there's nothing we can do now. Action!"  
  
Max blinked. "You're going to film this?"  
  
BD gave him a flat look. "Do I really have a choice?"  
  
"C'mon Ranma! Kick his ass!" Ranko cheered on her boyfriend.  
  
  
  
Ranma ducked under a horizontal swing, and gave Kuno a punch to the gut. The kendoist didn't even flinch from the blow, and tried to bring his elbow down on Ranma's head.  
  
Slipping between Kuno's arms, Ranma gave him a kick to the head, which propelled him away from his foe. Again this didn't stop Kuno who charged afterwards immediately.  
  
Ranma jumped over him, then gave him a kick in the back, which sent Kuno crashing into a steel beam. Ranma glowed blue briefly, then threw a ki blast at Kuno, which destroyed the beam and sent Kuno off the building's structure.  
  
  
  
"Wait! Wait! You don't know that attack yet!" Max yelled.  
  
Black Dragon took a small vial of over-the-counter pills out of his jacket and downed the contents.  
  
  
  
Kuno was only on the ground for a moment before he jumped up, then charged Ranma, who was still overhead on the building.  
  
For reasons still not understood, Kuno didn't jump, and ended up running straight into a support beam.  
  
At that exact moment the drugs wore off, and Kuno fell onto his back, unconscious.  
  
  
  
Ranma walked up to Kuno's prone form cautiously, and poked it with his foot. When he didn't get a response, Ranma gave him a good kick to the side.  
  
"Hmph. That was only 4 minutes. What a gyp."  
  
"Ranma, there's something you should know about Kuno. When he gets mad, he's really hard to beat!"  
  
  
  
Everyone in the studio turned to look at Akane, who was standing at one end of the decimated construction yard.  
  
Realizing that she was the center of attention, she scratched the back of her head sheepishly.  
  
"I'm sorry, did I miss my cue?"  
  
*Crash*  
  
There was a collective facefault from everyone present except Kuno and BD, the former because he was blacked out and the latter because he was overdosed on painkillers.  
  
The vibrations caused one of the stage lights to fall from its mount, squashing a camera man.  
  
Max stood up shakily. "All right. We can work with this...... boss?"  
  
Black Dragon waved to him slightly. "Go get a stretcher for Kuno. Get a janitor in here to wipe up the blood and ashes. Get that tape into editing. Frame the cast of Geobreeders for the recent deaths and have them locked away so they can't mount a counter-attack against this studio. Give Ranma a raise. Make-"  
  
"Er, why give Saotome a raise sir? He has a contract."  
  
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME!!! I'M ON A ROLL HERE!! Now make sure there's fresh fruit in the dressing rooms. Oh, and plan a celebration buffet for the actors. Make it in honor of...... less than 82 work-related deaths this month."  
  
"So far," Max added.  
  
"Yeah, whatever. And get me some more o' this. That is some gooooooooooood sh-"  
  
"Um sir, maybe you should lie down for a moment," Max sweatdropped as BD swayed in his chair unsteadily.  
  
"Yes...... lie down...... that's a good idea......" *Thud*  
  
Ranma walked by with Ranko hanging on his arm.  
  
"Is the director out of it?"  
  
Max nodded his head. "Yeah, and you're getting a raise. Send me a copy of your contract."  
  
"Nice!"  
  
Max rolled his eyes. "Yes, it is. And he'll certainly regret it when he regains consciousness."  
  
  
  
Max took out a notepad and started writing down his employer's requests, when the remaining three studio workers approached him cautiously.  
  
"Um, Mr. Nova, sir?"  
  
"Yeah?" He didn't look up.  
  
The camera man who had spoken gulped and started to shuffle his feet.  
  
"Wh-when we took this job, we really weren't aware of how dangerous it was. Could we possibly be dismissed?"  
  
Ranma chuckled. "At this rate, we'll need to raid the Bubblegum Crisis set for body bags."  
  
Max looked up at the men and smiled. "Sure, no problem! Just step right over there, into our resignation office!"  
  
The employees quickly bowed. "Yes sir! Thank you sir!"  
  
  
  
After they rushed behind a heavy, iron door set on the side of the studio, Max went back to his writing. Casually lifting a gauntlet in the direction of the doors, a long metal tentacle lashed out, closing and locking the door.  
  
  
  
Ranko frowned as screams rang out from behind the door. "That was mean."  
  
Max didn't look up. "Their bloody demise is paying your contract, so don't complain."  
  
Ranko sighed.  
  
"Hey, Ranko! They've got ice cream over in the snack cart!" Ranma munched on a donut, and kicked aside a corpse that was getting blood on his feet.  
  
"Ooh, ice cream!"  
  
  
  
Max tallied up the total deaths. On the plus side, they had made over $80,000,000 on the various fatalities. On the minus side, the celebration luncheon would have to be in honor of less than 84 work-related deaths.  
  
Max sighed. 'Sometimes I wonder if I get paid enough for this.'  
  
  
  
************************************************************************** ********  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Another take done! Now some of you might be asking, "Why the **** did you decide to continue this?" The answer is simple. People asked for it. Two people, to be exact, but it doesn't take much to motivate me. I'm wondering if I should really do another take. To tell you the truth, this stuff is starting to scare even me, and I wrote it! Oh well, you know where to send your comments. 


	3. Take 3

Director's Cut  
  
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
revcoll@peoplepc.com  
  
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/fanficlair/index.html  
  
Standard disclaimer applies. Aw heck, why do I even bother? No one ever reads these things anyway.  
  
  
  
Director's Cut  
  
Take 3  
  
  
  
************************************************************************** ********  
  
  
  
The party was going incredibly well, especially considering who the guests were.  
  
Ryoga, who had somehow managed to show up on time, was happily chatting with strange people who wished he would leave them alone. Kuno was discussing the current state of economic affairs with Gendo Ikari. Most of the attractive female actors, ranging from Ranko to Shampoo to the Sailor Senshi, were busy turning down overeager romantic requests from the entire male student body of Tomobiki High School. Although most of the Senshi would have glady gone out with Shutaro Mendo, he only seemed interested in getting the attention of Ranko.  
  
Luckily for Mendo, Ranma was far across the room and out of earshot, drinking sake and chatting with the Director's assistant. Remarkably, he hadn't yet disappeared with some girl into one of the rooms upstairs.  
  
It was one of those situations where everything just seemed to be going perfectly.  
  
One of those times when you knew everything was going to go straight to hell.  
  
  
  
Ranma sighed as he took another sip out of his cup.  
  
"So, I just wonder sometimes, is this really what I want out of life?"  
  
Max chugged down a cup of punch before turning back to Ranma. "What do you mean?"  
  
Ranma looked at him and shrugged. "You know, I'm just wondering if I'm really happy. Do I have what I want? If I had the option, would I do it all over again? I mean, what do I have, really?"  
  
Max thought about that for a moment. "Let's see... a gorgeous girlfriend, martial arts abilities beyond anything physically possible, a job where you get pampered all the time and you can mess up as much as you want, more money than most third-world countries, and a fanbase consisting mostly of nubile young teenage girls who would give anything for a single night alone with you?"  
  
Ranma stared at him for a moment. "Yeah, that sounds about right. But still, I just feel as if something's... missing."  
  
Max blinked and suddenly looked at Ranma in a new light as much of the cynicism he held toward the young actor evaporated. "Well, maybe you're missing some kind of goal. Like a major contribution to society?"  
  
Ranma stopped to think about that. "Yeah...... a goal."  
  
"Like maybe to end world hunger, or see a certain country make it out of poverty..." Max fairly beamed.  
  
"Or," Ranma started, "to score with every babe from every major anime series ever made!" Ranma held a fist up in triumph, somehow having thought that he accomplished something.  
  
Max's face hit the ground with a vengence.  
  
Ranma chugged down the rest of his sake, then scanned the room.  
  
"Va va voom! Yohko Mano at eight o' clock! See ya later, Nova!"  
  
  
  
Max sighed to himself as Ranma left. Looking around the room, his eyes briefly scanned over the "Less than 84 work-related deaths this month!" banner. Next to the bold lettering was a pile of dead stick figure bodies, and another stick figure wearing a director's hat and walking away from the scene while simultaneously whistling and trying to hide a dagger behind his back.  
  
'Speak of the devil.'  
  
"Hey Max! How's the party going?" Black Dragon greeted his assistant, wondering why Max looked so worried.  
  
"Rather well, actually. I'm just wondering how long it will last."  
  
BD briefly looked over the area. "I don't see it going any differently than normal."  
  
Max's head whipped around, and he immediately grimaced. The Ranma 1/2 girls had apparently had had enough of sublety, and had started pounding on the hormone-crazed boys, while the Senshi started trying to lecture them on their behavior. Ranma was leading (or pushing, it was hard to tell) a blushing-like-mad Yohko out the door, while Ryoga had come to blows with someone who had told him to buzz off. Ikari was also sporting few lumps; apparently his views clashed with Tatewaki's a bit too much.  
  
  
  
Max sighed again, letting out a little mushroom-puff of air. "I knew it was too good to last."  
  
BD nodded sagely as he poured himself some punch. "Uh-huh, uh-huh...... say, why'd you invite all these people from the other series filming around here?"  
  
Max sweatdropped. "I didn't. They just showed up."  
  
BD blinked. "Oh." He was about to take another sip of punch, when Tsubasa (or more accurately, a lamp post with Tsubasa's head on it) ran into him.  
  
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Rum tastes goooooooooooooooood..........." He ran through the room knocking people over indiscriminantly and generally making quite a nuisance of himself.  
  
Max blinked. "Uh... I don't get it."  
  
"Then don't think about it." BD turned around, apparently ignoring the occurence. "I'm going out. Make sure nobody important is killed, all right?"  
  
Max nodded and went back to observing the guests.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
"Ah, such freedom, such power." Black Dragon walked up to the set on which his series was filmed and sighed contentedly.  
  
"With this set, this budget, my actors and actresses, and my hordes of remarkably expendable entry-level employees, we will take the anime film industry by storm! Then, THE WORLD!!! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"  
  
"Hey! Could'ya keep it down out there?"  
  
BD blinked. That was Ranma's voice. He walked over to Ranma's dressing room, easily recognizable not only because of the double-door entrance, but also from the love letters, phone numbers, and other proclaimations of love taped, spraypainted, and carved on said doors. There was also a bra stuck above the knob, which meant that the inhabitants were involved in some serious recreation and that entering could be hazardous to one's health (at least if you were male).  
  
"Ranma? You in there?"  
  
It was quite obvious, what with all the moaning and panting that was going on, but he had to check.  
  
"Yes! Can this wait?!"  
  
"Ranma, is something wrong?" That was Yohko. Saotome strikes again.  
  
"Naw, nothing's wrong. Ain't that RIGHT boss? Go back to what you were doing before... no, that other thing...... oh yeah... that's the ticket............"  
  
BD sweatdropped slightly. "Eh, look, whatever you're doing, hurry it up, will you? We're gonna need you on the set in about 30 minutes."  
  
"Half an hour? Damn, gotta speed this up then."  
  
"Huh? What're you-OOOOOOOOOOH!!"  
  
"Er, right. See you on the set, Saotome. Later." BD turned around and hurried away.  
  
"Yes! Yes! OH KAMI YES!!!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
"All right people, I know most of us were sipping martinis just a few minutes ago, but let's try and get it together, all right? You in the plaid, be careful with that, it's really heavy!"  
  
The man turned to face him, only to lose his grip and drop it.  
  
*Crack* "Gyah! My leg! Augh!"  
  
BD slapped his forehead. "Oh brother. Max, would you put him out of his misery please?"  
  
*Blam* *Blam* *Blam*  
  
BD blinked. "Uh, I just meant the first guy." Max shrugged.  
  
Things were almost ready to go when Ranko walked up to the director angrily. "Where's Ranma?!"  
  
BD bigsweated. "Eh? How should I know? He isn't needed for this scene."  
  
Ranko growled, "He left right in the middle of the party! Whenever he's not with me, he's either eating or getting laid! Ooh, I'm gonna give him SUCH a pinch!"  
  
"Excuse me, but we're wasting valuable time here! Worry about your boyfriend later, right now we've got a scene to shoot! Chop chop!"  
  
Slightly miffed at being casually ordered around, but legally obliged by her overly generous contract to obey, Ranko walked over to the set and plopped herself down on one of the benches in the poorly constructed ice cream shop set, Akane tapping her foot impatiently at the opposite end of the table.  
  
BD raised the megaphone to his lips. "All right, action!"  
  
  
  
An ice cream sundae was dropped in front of Ranko from out of nowhere. After the cameras had started. BD smacked himself in the forehead.  
  
Akane just sighed. "Stupid SFX dolts... uh, I mean, how is it that I end up paying for your ice cream?"  
  
Ranko was happily oblivious to the scene, as she had immediately attacked the ice cream with vigor that would have left Sailor Moon gaping. *Gulp* *Chomp* *Smack* "Yum!"  
  
Akane sweatdropped. "Ahem... Earth to Ranko, er, Ranma......" Akane cursed under her breath, having even messed that line up.  
  
  
  
BD felt the tears welling up inside him, but willed himself to be strong. "Cut. Somebody take away that ice cream."  
  
A nearby stagehand nodded and walked up onto the set. Hastily apoligizing, he grabbed the neck of the glass cup and yanked it away.  
  
"NO!!! It's MINE!!! Mouko Takabisha!" The stage hand was reduced to dust, and Ranko's hand lashed out, rescuing her precious ice cream treat from the hard floor of the set.  
  
"..................................... All right then, wait until she's done. Then replace that with a plastic prop."  
  
Soon she did finish, and licked her lips as another sundae was placed before her.  
  
BD once again tried to maintain order. "Okay, now we'll just- Ranko! What are you doing?!"  
  
*Chomp* "Blech! This stuff is awful!"  
  
BD rolled his eyes. "It should be, being made of cellophane."  
  
Ranko quickly shut up. BD waved on the scene, no longer possessing the strength of mind to yell "Action!"  
  
  
  
Akane glared at Ranko. "How is it that I end up paying for your ice cream?"  
  
Ranko shrugged and pretended to eat the rubber prop. "Well someone gotta pay!"  
  
Almost at once, the TV in the corner caught Ranko's attention. "Hey, I've been there!"  
  
Akane looked at the television, then blinked as the picture didn't change and no sound came from the device. "Do you think it's broken?"  
  
BD interrupted them. "That's a cardboard box with a picture of some Chinese Mountains pasted on the front. Can we just get on with it?!"  
  
Ranko shrugged. "Uh, okay...... so what now?"  
  
BD growled. "Shampoo, it's your cue! Action!"  
  
  
  
*Boom* The restaraunt wall exploded inward, and the purple-tressed Amazon stepped in. "Ranma! I'll kill you!" She said in an utterly adorable sing- song voice.  
  
"CUT!"  
  
Shampoo was almost blown away by the sudden shout. "Is there a problem?"  
  
BD was fairly seething. "Yes, there's a problem! Why are you talking like that?!"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Like that! It's: 'Ranma! You I kill!' You should be talking like an ignorant 3-year old, not like a normal person!"  
  
Shampoo blinked. "What? Wait... so... those weren't typos in the script?"  
  
BD fell off his chair.  
  
"Just how dumb do you think our writers are?" Max chided.  
  
Shampoo gave him a look.  
  
"Just put up a new wall and do it right this time!" BD yelled. "ACTION!!"  
  
  
  
Shampoo crashed through the wall again, only this time a large metal railing above the set that had no real purpose for being there was knocked loose from the vibration and landed right on top of her.  
  
BD fell back into his chair and massaged his forehead. "This isn't happening, this isn't happening......"  
  
Ranko did an admirable job of working with what she had. "Well, uh, I... guess we'd better get out of here... or something......"  
  
Akane sweatdropped and nodded slightly. "Uh, okay. Sure." They walked off- stage.  
  
  
  
BD sighed. "Okay, next scene, let's go. Hurry it up."  
  
The stage hands, who by now consisted of ex-convicts and drug addicts who couldn't get jobs anywhere else, hurriedly moved aside the old set and put in the new one. Max, playing the part of the menacing overseer, glared over them from a pedestal while flexing the fingers of his gauntlets menacingly.  
  
"Um, Mr. Dragon, sir?" a timid voice spoke out from behind him, drawing his attention away from the waves of grunted complaints and occasional screams of agony from the lashing of a neural whip.  
  
The man that addressed him was small and wiry, and seemed to skitter about in a panic even though he was just standing there.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
The man suddenly gasped, then fell to his knees and clapped his palms together above his head. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I meant, of course, Mr. Dragon, Lord and Director of the Second Coming, Avatar of the Great Takahashi-san, and Eternal Ruler of All Who Carry Heavy Cardboard Props!! May this vile, insignificant insect please beg the supreme honor of your attention?!" He appeared to be almost crying by the time he stopped to take a breath.  
  
BD blinked. "Not that I mind, but I was just asking what you said. I couldn't hear you the first time."  
  
Fortunately for the man, his face was already just above the ground, so it didn't hurt much when he fell the rest of the way over.  
  
"So, anyway, did you want something?"  
  
The nervous little man picked himself up and sighed. "Sir, I'm a representative from Blud Succor legal firm. Certain issues have come to our attention that we think you should see."  
  
BD growled, and the man shrunk back. "You expect me to just get up and leave my set to go and listen to your meaningless legal jargon? I've got an agenda to keep up with, fool!" Still scowling, he turned around to come face to face with Max.  
  
"Sir, Shampoo's still out of it, the Tendo living room set has been sabotaged, the Tendo family themselves have been kidnapped, and I just saw Ranma, who's needed for the next scene, walking down the hall with Urd and Ifurita hanging onto his arms." Max gave him a helpless pleading look.  
  
BD stared for a moment, then scratched his chin. "Older Ifurita or the younger, ditzy one?"  
  
"The older, copy-your-attack-and-kick-your-sorry-ass bluette Ifurita."  
  
BD considered this for another moment, then turned around.  
  
"Well, it would appear an opening has just appeared in my busy schedule. You may take me to your lawyers." Getting up in a decidingly imperious manner, he walked alongside the small man with his assistant trailing behind.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
"So anyway, then the physician says: 'I wasn't talking about your cerebral cortex, I have a golf game tommorrow!'"  
  
The various men scattered around the office all simultaneously burst into hilarious laughter, some of them even falling off the furniture and falling to the ground. After a while they managed to tone it down to strong chuckling.  
  
One of the attorneys regained the sense to ask, "Hey, what's a cerebral cortex anyway?"  
  
The one who had told the joke shrugged. "I have no idea. It's just some weird doctor's term. We probably don't even have one."  
  
"I'd agree with that!"  
  
All the lawyers turned toward the door to the office at the shout, and suddenly it burst open, almost falling off it hinges.  
  
Black Dragon retracted his foot, then straightened his suit before stepping in.  
  
"Um, the door wasn't locked," Max reminded his boss.  
  
BD nodded. "I know. It's just more dramatic this way."  
  
He walked up to the large desk in the center and slammed his hands down on it.  
  
"All right, I'm here, so stop telling your stupid doctor jokes and let's get down to business."  
  
The joke-tell was apparently offending. "Hey, now! Who do you think you are?!"  
  
BD glared at him, then turned towards the attorney on the other side of the desk. "Can I kill him without a lawsuit?"  
  
The man he addressed coughed. "It would of course be far beyond your legal rights to ever harm a member of-"  
  
BD waved a twenty dollar bill around in the air.  
  
"You're right, of course. I never liked him either."  
  
Before the unfortunate victim could voice a protest, Max had raised his gauntlet and fired.  
  
*Blam!*  
  
BD released the twenty from his grip, and all the lawyers in the room lunged for it, ignoring the charred spot that was once their co-worker.  
  
BD sat down on the other side of the desk, trying to look composed, rather than disgusted, at the tangled dogpile of cheap, tacky suits before him. Eventually they lost sight of the twenty, and started beating each other indiscriminately.  
  
Black Dragon quickly got bored with it, amusing as it was.  
  
"Max, could you shock them out of it, please?"  
  
Max looked uncertain. "They could sue."  
  
BD considered this, then sighed. "You're right."  
  
He pulled out his megaphone.  
  
"CUT IT OUT!!!!!!"  
  
The lawyers were blasted to other side of the room by the sound wave, and BD calmly put the megaphone back in... wherever he kept it.  
  
"Now could someone PLEASE tell me why I'm here?"  
  
One of the men, the one that had been sitting at the desk before, cleared his throat, then pulled up a stack of papers.  
  
"Mr. Dragon, as one of our clients, we felt it was necessary to inform you of-"  
  
"Hold it, hold it!" BD interrupted, then paused. "...... I'm one of your clients?"  
  
The lawyer blinked. "Uh......... yes?"  
  
BD scratched his chin, then turned toward Max. "Why do I seek representation from a company called 'Blud Succor'?"  
  
Max shrugged. "Perhaps as a sort of vague, hazy plot advancement?"  
  
BD stared. "There's a plot?"  
  
The lawyer coughed into his hand. "Be that as it may, it is my duty to inform you of several factions pressing charges against you. Five of them, to be precise."  
  
Max whistled. BD shook his head. "I didn't know there were five people outside my studio and family that even knew my name."  
  
The lawyer shrugged. "The first two factions are the Knights of the True Fiancee and Defenders of the True Fiancee. The first group claims responsibility for destroying a set in your studio, and the second is threatening to slay Nabiki Tendo, who is currently being held captive in Canon Temple. Both demand immediate deletion of all your anti-Akane scripts, especially Guardian and Nexus."  
  
BD leaned back in thought. "Well, I can't let them destroy the set, and Nabiki's agents will flay me alive if I let her bite the dust, so I guess I can't just ignore her either."  
  
The man nodded. "The third one is DORK, or Directors Opposed to Random Killing. Many of the others around the studio lot disapprove of your casual elimination of your staff, and especially of your casual elimination of their staff."  
  
BD shrugged. "Eh, I'll take care of that later. Next?"  
  
"The next one is a bit odd." The attorney frowned. "Lucifer, unholy master of the Underworld, has requested your soul in compensation for his hand in your gain of wealth and power."  
  
BD groaned. "Dang! Who would've thought that would come back to haunt me?"  
  
Max looked perplexed. "You promised him your soul? I wasn't aware you possessed one to sell."  
  
BD shifted uncomfortably. "What do you think the problem is? Anyway, what's the last one?"  
  
"You're brother and arch-nemesis, PrismKnight83, has sent a warning that he's leading a full out campaign against you and your reign of terror across the land. Also, he says it's your turn to do the dishes."  
  
BD bristled. "Crud! That jerk! I even ate out last night!"  
  
He calmed down, then leaned back in the chair, idly scratching his chin with a finger.  
  
"So, this is what it comes to. Very well, as you're apparently representing me, what are you going to do?"  
  
The lawyer took of his glasses and cleaned it on his shirt as he answered. "Well, obviously, the best thing for us to do is terminate our dealings with you and seek employment among your enemies."  
  
BD blinked. "Huh?"  
  
A different lawyer turned to the man behind him. "I hear Satan offers very generous contracts."  
  
The other attorney nodded. "Yes, he's always had a fondness for lawyers."  
  
"Comissions galore!"  
  
BD stood up angrily. "Wait a minute! You can't do this to me!"  
  
The negotiator smiled ever so slightly. "Actually, we can. Now I suggest you remove yourself from the premises before we sue you for standing there and glaring at us menacingly."  
  
His left eye twitching, BD whirled around, then stomped out of the room, his assistant following him.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
"Those blasted scum-sucking cretins will pay! Nobody crosses me and lives!"  
  
Max looked doubtful. "Well, there was Tad, your last assistant. And Sarah. And just about everybody in your family mocks you and-"  
  
"I get the point," he grumbled out.  
  
"Death to the Dragon!"  
  
BD stopped. "Huh? Whazzat?"  
  
"Death to the Dragon!!"  
  
The befuddled director and his assistant turned toward the window, which showed only sky and distant buildings, being on the third floor.  
  
Looking outside, there appeared a large crowd of angry otaku, many of them carrying signs with Akane inscribed in a big heart.  
  
"The Knights and Defenders," Max growled out.  
  
"Burn him!"  
  
"Tar and feather him!"  
  
"Mallet him!"  
  
"Turn him over to the homosexual tentacle monsters!"  
  
There was a visible shudder throughout the crowd as this was said.  
  
BD backed away from the window in terror.  
  
"D-Damn! I can't go out there! They'll kill me!" He gulped, then added, "If I'm lucky."  
  
"Leave, stay, either way your fate is sealed, Black."  
  
BD and Max turned around to see a large figure in shiny red knight's armor with a sword strapped to his belt. He was built like a football player and was almost as big as Max, had very short brown hair, and an immature, soft-lined face. Upon reasonable inspection, it was obvious that the armor and sword were both composed of cheap plastic.  
  
BD snarled. "PrismKnight......"  
  
PK laughed. "Fool! We have come for you! This is your last chance! Step away from the path of darkness and chaos, and walk with us on the journey of peace, love, and predictable characterization!"  
  
He crossed his arms over his chest and sniffed at him. "Also, when you're done scrubbing the dishes you can take out the garbage. It smells awful in there."  
  
BD stepped back, then raised a fist. "NEVER!!! NEVER, DO YOU HEAR ME, NEVER!!!!"  
  
PK took a step forward. "There's nowhere to run! Give up!"  
  
BD suddenly grinned. "Who said anything about running?" He pulled off his jacket and threw it onto the floor, then raised his fists.  
  
PK growled, and raised his fists too, completely forgetting he had a sword, even if it was plastic.  
  
Max looked on, concerned. "Sir!"  
  
BD shook his head. "No Max! You can't help me this time! This is my fight! YAAAAAH!!!"  
  
With a wordless battlecry, he charged forward toward PrismKnight, who also screamed incoherently and rushed ahead.  
  
*Wham!*  
  
Both combatants banged into each other, then staggered back, stunned from the impact. Max sweatdropped.  
  
PK recovered first, having a much thicker head, then took out his sword.  
  
"Heretic! I slay you!" *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack* *Whack*  
  
"Boss!" Max watched helplessly as the man who signed his paychecks was steadily beaten to the floor with the flimsy Halloween costume accessory.  
  
Eventually PK stopped to catch his breath, not being the sort that's used to any kind of physical task, and realized that his foe was already unconscious.  
  
"Ha ha ha! Victory! Never again will you spread your wretched taint among canon-thumpers and the authors of poorly conceived lemons!" He turned slowly toward Max, a small smile spread on his lips.  
  
Max backed up a step, then activated his gauntlets into three-foot purple blades of pure energy. "Back off! Or else!"  
  
PK laughed again. "Or else what? You can't harm me, for you see, I possess..." he thrust a hand into his pocket, "YOUR... hey, it's not in here..." he took his hand out, then checked his other pocket. "Funny, it's not in this one either. Hold on a sec, okay?"  
  
Max rolled his eyes in exasperation, but deactivated his weapons as PrismKnight started to search himself.  
  
"Ah hah! Got it!" He coughed into his hand, then pointed at Max, his other hand behind his back.  
  
"You can't harm me, for you see, I possess... YOUR CONTRACT!!!" He pulled the piece of paper out from behind his back, and Max gasped and backed away.  
  
"No...... where did you get that?!"  
  
PK only grinned wider. "Come now, be reasonable... break your ties with him," he gestured to the still-unconscious figure on the floor, "and serve me, and together we shall rule the cinema industry as Director and Assistant Director!"  
  
Max backed away some more. "No! I won't turn! Never!"  
  
PK shoved the contract forward. "Come! This is all that remains to bind you to him! Burn it, and join me!"  
  
Max screamed and clutched his head. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
Turning around, he dove down the stairs even as maniacal laughter erupted from behind him.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
Max was panting heavily by the time he reached the studio again, and barely possessed the strength to pull open the heavy doors to the lead actor's personal dressing room.  
  
"Ranma! Something terrible has happened!" He gasped out, then sweatdropped.  
  
Ranma was currently staring back at him questioningly from his position against the edge of his personal hot tub, which was surrounded by all the Sailor Senshi except Saturn, who all wore thong bikinis that corresponded to their costume's color.  
  
"Hey dude. Something the matter?" Ranma smiled at him warmly and eased up as Makoto snuggled against his chest.  
  
Max twitched, then took a deep breath. "Black Dragon's been captured!"  
  
Ranma blinked, and tried to force his mind past what Setsuna was doing with his leg to think about it.  
  
"The director? He's gone?"  
  
Max nodded vigorously.  
  
"Sweet! Looks like I've got the rest of the week off!" He grinned and pulled Minako into the spa against with him, earning him a playful giggle and another action that can't be described without compromising the PG-13 rating.  
  
Max growled. "What are you talking about? We've got to save him!"  
  
Ranma chuckled and leaned his head back into Rei's lap. "Why?"  
  
The director's assistant had to stop to think about that one, growing increasingly frustrated as he couldn't think of a logical reason. Eventually he settled on a cliche. "Because the show must go on!"  
  
"And so it will!"  
  
Max turned and jumped back, and Ranma peeled his eyes away from Ami's cleavage long enough to get a good look at PrismKnight as he walked into the room.  
  
PK took a look at the group of scantily-clad women and frowned.  
  
"*Ahem* Ladies, I just recieved a call from your studio manager, and they need you on the set in 2 minutes."  
  
The Senshi all gasped, and climbed out of the pool before Ranma could even realize they had to leave.  
  
"OmigoshifI'mlateonemoretimeI'mgonnagetfiredIgottago!!" The other Senshis' exclaimations were generally more coherent than Usagi's, but they all managed a panicked complaint before they disappeared out the back door of the room.  
  
Ranma gaped, being suddenly left alone. PK nodded.  
  
"Good. Ranma, get some clothes on. The new script is just outside, and we need you on the set in half an hour. Good day." PK turned around and walked out, never giving the young martial artist a chance to reply.  
  
Max sighed and slumped to the floor. "I fear all is lost."  
  
Ranma's eye twitched, and he slowly lifted himself out of the hot tub. "I don't like him."  
  
Max nodded. "Yeah, well, he's your new director. Are you sure you don't want to rescue BD?"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "Nah. BD's a pretty cool guy, but it ain't in my contract to put myself on the line for him." He stretched out, then walked over to the dresser.  
  
Max sighed wearily and slumped further down against the wall.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________ ________  
  
  
  
"Right! Come now, set it down right there! Good!" PrismKnight waved off a couple of stagehands, then sat down in the director's chair to admire the set.  
  
He had managed to get both the kidnapped Tendo family and a new set of Japanese living room props from the pro-Akane groups that had dragged Black Dragon away with them. Not that he cared one way or another about Akane, but he tended to take an instant liking to everything and everyone that his older brother disliked.  
  
The new stagehands and other studio employees took a liking to him too, mostly as he didn't seem like a sadistic maniac.  
  
He didn't notice Ranma until he had stalked right up next to the chair.  
  
"Something wrong, Saotome?"  
  
Ranma glared at him. "Yeah! What the hell is this?" He waved a stack of paper at him.  
  
PK blinked. "That's the new script. It's a remarkable improvement over the last one. Or at least that's what the Knights said."  
  
Ranma stared at him incredulously. "This miserable, stupid, double-spaced waste of dead trees is what we're going to make into a film?"  
  
PK nodded. "I didn't think it was that bad. A little cheesy, I guess, but that's cool."  
  
"You wouldn't know a good piece of writing if I smacked you over the head with it!!" Ranma screamed.  
  
PK rolled his eyes. "Well, duh. I'd have to read it first."  
  
Ranma facefaulted.  
  
"Now get on the stage. The cameras are ready."  
  
Hanging his head in defeat, Ranma got up and trudged toward the stage.  
  
PrismKnight smiled smugly to himself, then called out, "All right, let's do this. Remember: no screw ups, and try and put some feeling into it! Action!"  
  
  
  
Ranma, Genma, and the Tendos ate dinner in silence, until finally Genma speaks up.  
  
"Say boy, why don't you take Akane to that fair that's coming through town tommorrow?"  
  
Soun smiled and quickly joined in. "Why, that's a fine idea Saotome!"  
  
Ranma and Akane both tensed, and Ranma ground out, "There's no way I'm taking her on a date! Forget it!"  
  
Akane growled. "Fine! I wouldn't want to be seen in public with a sex- changing pervert like you anyway!"  
  
"Tomboy!" Ranma retorted.  
  
Akane's retort involved an empty metal serving dish in Ranma's face.  
  
Ranma stood stunned as the dish clattered to the floor, and suddenly everyone else at the table froze, and the light dimmed.  
  
A single bright light suddenly shone down on Ranma, and he stood up, facing the sky.  
  
"Oh Akane, why can't I just tell you how I truly feel?"  
  
He raised a shaking fist in front of him, and dramatic music played out from the sound stage.  
  
"Why can't I say it? 'I love you'. Why can't we put aside our bickering, put aside our false masks, and embrace each other? Don't you know that the longing in my heart is far worse than any pain you could put me through? Can't you see that I care for you? That my soul sings out for you?"  
  
Feeling thoroughly disgusted, Ranma sat back down as the light faded, and another one appeared around Akane.  
  
"Oh Ranma, how can I possibly let you know how much I love you? That my heart yearns for you? That every time someone comes between us, all I can think of is the pain of you leaving me?"  
  
Nabiki mouthed 'this sucks' without moving otherwise.  
  
Ranma mouthed back 'I know'.  
  
"It is only pride, my foolish pride, and yours, that keeps me from my one true love! Why can't we embrace our destiny and admit our feelings?!"  
  
  
  
Max, who had watched the scene from the shadows behind the extra stage lights, silently turned and walked out of the studio. He had seen enough.  
  
  
  
************************************************************************** ********  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Well, there you have it. I have no idea why people keep asking for more of this, and perhaps I don't want to know. I realize that I focus too much on my own character here, and will try to focus more on the actors in the next take, if by some sickening circumstance people still aren't convinced to let this series die.  
  
Before anybody thinks to ask, no, I will not turn this sereis into a bunch of ecchi scenes with Ranma and various other girls. I do not write lemons. That is all. 


	4. Take 4

Director's Cut  
  
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
revcoll@peoplepc.com  
  
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/fanficlair/index.html  
  
  
  
Standard disclaimers apply. I use who I want, when I want them... though I'm too meek and weak-willed not to seek permission first. I'd like to thank CyMage, Tomas Megerson, Mantech1, Aaron Darwithe, and my good buddy/forever arch-rival LuxDragon, the Dragon of Light, for agreeing to allow me to taint their names forever by associating them with this fanfiction. I'd also like to thank Freelance for being such a good sport when I told him no. This chapter, if not this entire series, can be considered anti-Knights of the True Fiancee propaganda. I didn't mean it that way, but that's kind of how it turned out.  
  
Please note that the opinions expressed in this story, as related to the Knights of the True Fiancee, do not reflect any actual experience of mine with the Knights, and should not be taken seriously. Any and all horror stories about their misdeeds I have are secondhand, so I reserve my own judgement of their actions.  
  
  
  
Director's Cut  
  
Take 4 (Finale)  
  
  
  
*************************************************************************** *******  
  
  
  
"This is stupid! It's ridiculous! It's totally OOC, and the comedic atmosphere that made Ranma 1/2 an enjoyable anime has been completely RAVAGED by the blatant appeal to unnecessary drama and romance! This is trash! Garbage! Horse dung! Pond-growing, scum-sucking, protozoan-breeding FILTH!!!" BD threw the thick stack of stapled pages on the dirty ground below him, then squatted down himself, fuming.  
  
Looking around his small, earthen 10' X 10' cell, one could see it possessed only a pit and faucet above the pit to serve for any sanitation needs, and a muddy, woolen sheet and torn grain sack to serve as a bed. In the opposite corner from the pit was a haggard pile of stapled paper stacks.  
  
A small metal slot opened up on the thick iron door to his cell. "What's wrong now?" a weary voice asked, his voice dripping with resentment for the man imprisoned within.  
  
Black Dragon stood up angrily, then held up his hand in a fist and started ticking off points with his fingers.  
  
"I can take the forced imprisonment. I can take the lousy food. I can take the Earth floor, the stone-age excuse for a toilet, and the dirty blankets. Hell, I can even take 'Torture Tuesdays'! However, I can not stand to be forced to read and review every single little piece of unimaginative pro-Akane drivel you can manage to stick through the food slot! It's ridiculous!"  
  
The guard rolled his eyes. "What was wrong with this one?"  
  
BD's eyes twitched. "What was wrong? There was NO plot! NO conflict! NO rational characterization! It was 128 bloody pages of Ranma and Akane proclaiming their love and making out with each other, occasionally broken by a feeble, half-baked, incredibly poorly conceived idea to set up one of their suitors with someone else. There was NOTHING worth reading in this!!"  
  
The guard rolled his eyes again and sighed. "That's the exact same thing you said about the last 43 'fics too, except for the number of pages."  
  
BD growled at him. "That's because it's TRUE!!" He sighed, then slumped against the wall. "C'mon, can't you at least give me a well-written Akane/Ranma fanfic? I know they exist, I read a few before I swore them off forever. You can't tell me this is the same stuff you read; just because you have bad judgement and poorly conceived opinions doesn't mean you don't have good taste. I mean, there's only so much of this a person can take before he starts to realize that it's all the same mushy, boring junk..."  
  
BD continued rambling on for quite some time before the guard shoved something through the food slot.  
  
"There. It's different than the others, I can assure you that. Now stop whining."  
  
BD blinked, then picked up the fairly thin stack of papers on the ground, held together with a single staple in the corner. "What is it?" he asked curiously.  
  
"A Ranma/Akane lemon."  
  
BD leapt away from the paper as if touching it had burned his hands; it floated slowly toward the ground.  
  
The guard laughed cruelly. "There's no explanation or plot! They're suddenly married, and just screw each other for 12 pages straight!"  
  
He laughed again as BD backed up into the wall opposite the fanfic in complete terror. "No... please, don't do this to me... please!"  
  
The guard's laughing stopped. "And when you're done with that, I'll give you chapter 2." His laughter resumed.  
  
BD shuddered in the far corner of his cell, and started kicking dirt on the offending fanfiction from his position. The guard eventually tired of laughing at his prisoner, and shut the food slot.  
  
"Oh, man. What have I done to deserve this?" he moaned.  
  
The slot opened again.  
  
"Get lost! It was a rhetorical question!" BD cried, before the guard had a chance to speak.  
  
The slot closed.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"So, all I'm saying is, maybe we could use a script that wasn't written by a Knight or Defender?" Ranko looked up at PrismKnight83 pleadingly.  
  
He blinked back at her. "Why? What's wrong with their scripts?"  
  
Ranko thought about that for a moment. "Would you like the real reason or the diplomatic reason?"  
  
"Uh.......... diplomatic."  
  
Ranko sighed in relief. "There's no variety! I mean, the scripts themselves are different, but all it is an over-romanticized drama between Ranma and Akane! Just ONCE couldn't we do some other script?"  
  
PK considered that for a moment. "I guess it couldn't hurt. What did you have in mind?"  
  
Before he finished talking, Ranko had shoved a heavy stack of papers in his face.  
  
PK blinked, then slowly took it and thumbed through the first few pages.  
  
He looked up at her. Or down, actually, as he held the height advantage. "Um, this is a limish account of you, as the girl who drowned in the spring, breaking free of Ranma and then seducing him away from his other suitors."  
  
Ranko nodded enthusiastically. "Cool, huh? From my people to yours!" She bowed to him.  
  
PK shook his head, and tossed it in a nearby trash can. "Sorry. I don't think the Knights would approve."  
  
Ranko gaped for a moment, before she growled out, "So what? They don't own you!"  
  
PK shrugged. "Actually, they do, more or less. We'll start shooting the second act of the old script tommorrow."  
  
Ranko grinded her teeth together in order to keep from saying something she'd regret later.  
  
Her teeth-grinding just got worse as she noticed Ranma around the corner, with an arm wrapped around Kasumi's waist. The way half of Ranma's shirt buttons were undone and Kasumi's blouse seemed to be slipping off her shoulders left little wonder where they were going or what they planned to do there.  
  
Ranko started stalking up to the giggling couple, when PrismKnight stalked past her.  
  
"Going somewhere, Saotome?"  
  
Ranma and Kasumi halted, and Ranma looked up. "Uh... yes?"  
  
PK raised an eyebrow, then shook his head. "It appears that as the new director around here, it once again falls to me to restore order where there is none."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Order? What's that? Sounds kinda boring."  
  
PK rolled his eyes, then pointed at him. "First, I will stand by and allow you to grab anyone you want and duck into a closet or corner somewhere no longer! Your private lives are your business, but on the set I won't tolerate any inappropriate behavior!"  
  
Ranma gaped at him, and suddenly found himself yanked out of Kasumi's embrace to fall into Ranko's.  
  
The pigtailed redhead pulled him closer, then purred into his ear, "That's right! No more 'inappropriate behavior'! You're mine!"  
  
PK cleared his throat. "That goes for you too, Ranko."  
  
Ranko fell down. Ranma still hadn't finished his first gape to bother with a second one.  
  
PK walked away, his cheap plastic cape getting caught in-between his legs and almost tripping him. "Remember! I'll be watching you!" Stumbling over his cape again, he vanished around a corner.  
  
  
  
Kasumi raised a hand to her mouth worriedly. "Oh my. No sex?"  
  
Ranko got up, and stared emotionlessly down the direction the new director had vanished.  
  
"That does it. He has to go." She started walking after him, when Ranma took hold of her shoulder.  
  
"Wait! We can't just kill him. He signs our pay checks!" Kasumi nodded her agreement.  
  
All three of them stood there for a few moments, heads down and miserable.  
  
Eventually, Ranko lifted hers. "You know what this means, don't you?"  
  
Ranma sighed. "Yeah. Looks like we have to bust out BD."  
  
Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Oh dear. I'll have to arrange a welcome back party. I should make cookies!"  
  
Ranma ignored her. "Let's go find Max." Ranko nodded and followed.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"I see." Max looked up at the ceiling, staring into space, his mind only half focused on the voice at the other end of the cell phone. "So can I count on your support or not? I know you don't owe him very much, but this endeavor is for all our sakes."  
  
A pause. If these people weren't going to help, then all was lost. All had abandoned him; the actors, the lawyers, the employees! Not that he really expected help from the last two. Still, if his newest attempts at garnishing support failed, then Black Dragon would forever be left to his fate, either to perish a raving madman or be converted into a droning, mindless canon-loving zealot.  
  
Thinking of the last possibility, a tear very nearly slid down his cheek. 'Don't worry boss, I'll save you!'  
  
He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts, he almost didn't hear the affirmative response on the other end of the phone, before it disconnected.  
  
Max nodded wearily. "Well, that's one."  
  
*Ahem*  
  
Max turned around at the sound of someone clearing his throat, and his eyes widened as he saw Ranma, Ranko, Ryoga, Kuno, Shampoo, and Ukyo standing in the now crowded hallway behind him.  
  
Max sweatdropped. "Uh... you're not here to tie me up and keep me out of trouble, are you?"  
  
Ranma shook his head ruefully. "Nah. We're here to help."  
  
Max blinked. "Come again?"  
  
Ranko stepped up, scratching the back of her head embarrassingly. "Well, we spent some time thinking, and we realized that after all he's done for us, the least we could do for old BD is help break him out of imprisonment."  
  
Kuno snorted. "Though doubtless that came second to PrismKnight's offense of halting your sexual activities."  
  
Ranma glared at him. "Aw, shut up Kuno. Just 'cause you're not getting any..."  
  
Ranko joined the glare. "Well, there are some things you just don't stick your nose into, and one of them is my love life! BD always let us do whatever we want! What right does this PK jerk have, telling us to stop?"  
  
Kuno rolled his eyes. "Myself, I simply have grown sick of these worthless parts he keeps giving us. Director Dragon's works were always disgusting drivel, but at least they were fairly entertaining." He ended with a sniff, doing a perfect imitation of a perfect snob.  
  
Max forestalled the others' reasons with a hand. He didn't really care, so long as they helped. "All right, well... thank you. I know this is really gonna help." He smiled fiercely. "I've just gotta make a few more phone calls, then you can meet me in Ranma's dressing room at 1900 hours."  
  
They stared at him blankly.  
  
"That means 7 o'clock," he told them dryly.  
  
They nodded as if they had understood all along, and Max was just bothering them with useless details as they started filing out the other way.  
  
Ryoga chuckled gleefully. "Yay! We finally get to kick some ass!" He pounded one fist into his palm happily.  
  
  
  
Max watched them leave, nodding to himself approvingly. He should've expected those guys to come through. Well, maybe 'expected' was too strong a word. But nonetheless, he had their help now. With their respective abilities, he wouldn't need that much more to pull it off.  
  
Smiling to himself, he dialed another number on his cell phone.  
  
"Hello? Magi Incorporated?"  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
A few minutes ago...  
  
  
  
LuxDragon, the Dragon of the Light, and newly ordained director of 'Breath of Fire: The Movie III' (poorly concieved sequel to the box-office disasters 'Breath of Fire: The Movie I & II') gave a contented sigh as he leaned back in his large, cushioned chair, sipping a root beer and being given a massage by a stunning blue-haired woman whose body ended in a tail below the waist (which added to the 'stunning' component of her appearance).  
  
He took another sip of his soda, idly passing a look over his stage crew assembling the cheap foam construction of Guardia Castle. His scope of vision dismissed them just as easily. Unlike some people's employees, his didn't have to worry quite so much about fatal accidents, and not at all about being methodically killed off.  
  
"Mmmm... a little lower, 'kay Bleu?"  
  
The ancient sorceress did as instructed without so much as a word.  
  
With another contented sigh, Lux allowed his mind to wander a bit. Come to think of it, he hadn't had any accidents for the last 2 days. While this was perfectly normal for most people, Lux happened to work 3 studios over from the former Geobreeders set, present studio of the infamous Black Dragon. The Lord of Chaos was very good at what he did, and his very presence was usually enough to cause widespread disaster.  
  
So lost in thought was he, that he didn't realize someone was trying to get his attention until that someone slapped him with her wing.  
  
"Ack! Nina! Why'd you do that?"  
  
Nina smirked and held up a tiny cellular phone. "It's for you. Some guy named Nova."  
  
LuxDragon sighed, then took the phone.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry Max, but tell Black that I can't 'lend' him any more stage hands. I just can't-huh?" Lux stopped for a few moments, and then Bleu was almost knocked backwards as Lux shot up out of his chair.  
  
"WHAT?! Black Dragon's been kidnapped?" He stared ahead of him, wide-eyed. "Of course... it all makes sense now... no explosions, no rampant killing sprees, everything's been running perfectly. Ranma hasn't even been around recently..."  
  
Bleu and Nina both gave regretful sighs at that statement.  
  
Suddenly, LuxDragon gave a start. "He's being held by the Knights of the True Fiancee?"  
  
Just as suddenly, all the commotion on the set stopped, and every pair of eyes locked onto LuxDragon. Stage hands that were carrying extremely heavy pieces of machinery stopped in mid-grunt, afraid even to breathe.  
  
After a few moments of silence and intent listening on Lux's part, those that were holding their breath realized the pointlessness of it and started breathing again.  
  
Lux shook his head. "Well, I just don't know. I don't like the Knights, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna go out of my way to make trouble for them."  
  
*T-chunk!* *T-chunk!*  
  
Lux blinked, then turned around. Staple-gunned to his studio wall was a poster of Akane Tendo, her persona surrounded by little hearts. At the bottom, 'Studio 5' was printed in big gray block lettering.  
  
'Studio 5! That's the one BD stole! And the same one that PK conquered after that!'  
  
"Max? I'll be there." *Click*  
  
Tossing the phone aside, he stepped down and gave another long look at the poster.  
  
"Nina?"  
  
The winged girl snapped out of her daze, immediately at attention. "Ye-Yes sir?"  
  
"Get my guns." With that, Lux stalked off towards the exit. Bleu and Nina each shot each other nervous looks.  
  
  
  
Coincidentally, this was about the time the arms of the stage hands carrying extremely heavy equipment gave out, dropping said equipment on their feet and causing the first accidents since Black Dragon left.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"Let's see... boring.... boring.... annoying... boring... disgusting... annoying..."  
  
CyMage sat back in his large leather recliner, partaking in one of the male genders' most renowned of entertainment exercises: channel surfing.  
  
He wasn't having much luck, but then, being in the center of a massive, impenetrable fortress surrounded by scrambler drones tended to do rather nasty things to one's satellite reception.  
  
The fact that Magi Inc. was located on a deserted island also placed an unfortunate limit on cable access.  
  
CyMage sighed, wishing not for the first time that he'd considered the need for anything other than security when he had planned the construction of his primary command facility.  
  
  
  
Luckily, sort of, his boredom was put on hold when one of his subordinates gave a knock on the door.  
  
"Yeah? Come in."  
  
A figure cloaked entirely in blue robes, save one sleeve that was pulled back to show off a shiny new Rolex, entered the cavernous office, and gave a small nod to CyMage.  
  
"Sir, there's a message for you on line 4. Apparently the client wishes to negotiate with you personally. He wouldn't tell me his name."  
  
CyMage raised an eyebrow, and waved away the lower-class mage with an errant hand gesture. He didn't like being personally bothered by clients who refused to give their names to his assistants, but that annoyance lost out to the relief of finally having something to break up the monotony.  
  
He hit the appropriate button to activate the speaker phone, then leaned back in his chair.  
  
"CyMage here. This had better be good."  
  
*This is Max Nova, former assistant director of Studio 5 in the Anime Film District, a subdivision down here in Hollywood. I have a job for you, if you'll hear me out.*  
  
CyMage nodded, quite a useless gesture, as Max could only hear him. "I'm listening."  
  
*A good friend of mine, a former superior actually, is being held hostage by a certain group known as the Knights of the True Fiancee. This group has imprisoned him because they don't approve of his beliefs, as well as replaced him by one of their own puppets, whom, I might add, is a total sociopath. What I want you to do is help assist in his rescue.*  
  
CyMage made another useless gesture out of rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "And the compensation? How much do you think an operation like this is worth?"  
  
CyMage could almost hear the man on the other end grimace-it wasn't fair, really; none of his gestures could be heard-and caught some muttering about Ranma and cheapskates.  
  
*Well, here's the thing. As of now, all the funds we have available are in the hands of PrismKnight, the current director, who doesn't want to see Black Dragon to ever see the outside of his cell. We had enough trouble getting permission to buy the gasoline. Once BD's back, though, we can pay you however much you think we owe, and-*  
  
"Hold it." CyMage interrupted, and the voice at the other end of the line went silent.  
  
"You want me to help you rescue the Lord of Chaos?" CyMage carefully kept his tone neutral.  
  
*Uh....... yes?*  
  
CyMage shook his head, which was of course ineffectual in getting his point across. "Look, I'm sorry, but this is no charity service. If you can't pay, then I can't do the job. And even if you could, I'd have to think about it before I'd help Black Dragon. You do know the guy's a psycho, right? And besides that, his writing kind of sucks."  
  
*Well......... yeah....... but, I mean, the Knights!*  
  
"I don't really like the Knights or Defenders or what they stand for, but they haven't bothered me at all."  
  
There was a leaden sigh at the other end of the line, and CyMage thought he could make out a resigned shaking of the head. How did he do that?  
  
*Well, I didn't really want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to show you something.*  
  
CyMage blinked, then turned around as his television screen turned on behind him.  
  
*I'm uploading a sample of PK's work through the video feed. Take a look, then make your decision.*  
  
  
  
The screen turned to hissing static, then firmed into a picture of the Jusenkyou Guide on a stage.  
  
The stout little man adjusted his green cap, then glances at an index card in his hand.  
  
*Two dojo... both... alike... in martial arts style... in fair Nerima... where we lay our scene...*  
  
CyMage turned back toward the speaker phone. "A Romeo and Juliet parody? You've gotta be kidding!"  
  
Somehow, the CEO of Magi Inc. could tell the other man was nodding on the other end. How did he do that?! *Keep watching the clips. It only gets worse.*  
  
Akane stepped out onto a balcony, looking not a little peeved.  
  
*Oh Ranma, Ranma, where art thou, thou perverted jerk?! No doubt cavorting with some other tart of ill repute! Ohhh! When I get mine hands on thou!*  
  
CyMage sweatdropped heavily.  
  
The scene changed to show Akane over the sleeping form of Ranma, apparently arguing with someone off-stage.  
  
*I don't care what the script says! Why should I kill myself over this jerk?*  
  
There was a faint mumbling from off-stage.  
  
Biting down on a frustrated scream, Akane took the fake dagger in her hands and thrust it angrily into her chest, provoking an obviously fake spray of blood to blast out of her chest. Still scowling angrily, she lowered herself on the ground, crossing her arms under her breast and not looking dead at all.  
  
Ranma sat up. *Well geez, if she's gonna have to be forced to kill herself over me, why should I do the same for her?* he said dryly  
  
Akane immediately jumped up and started strangling Ranma. *DIE!!!*  
  
The screen turned to static. CyMage sat ramrod straight in his chair, staring wide-eyed at the screen.  
  
"B-Brain... m-m-melting........."  
  
The TV didn't turn off, instead changing to a white tabletop with videos flying across the screen to stop in a row.  
  
*Also from Studio 5! 'There's Something About Akane'! 'You've Got Mallets'! 'What Tomboys Want'!-*  
  
The announcer went on listing bizarre, parodyish movie titles, and CyMage convulsed at each one as if shot.  
  
Mercifully, it stopped, and CyMage immediately whirled around toward the speaker phone.  
  
"I'll be there! Don't worry about where, I'll find it!" He pushed the button on his phone, severing the connection.  
  
"You! In the blue!"  
  
The acolyte in blue reentered the office, flashing his Rolex momentarily before entering fully.  
  
CyMage leveled a stare that made the lesser mage gulp. "Get my staff."  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"So you see, since then I haven't been allowed in any of the summer camps or the Jason Vorhee fan club. It's just not fair! It was his own fault for getting in the way!" The man wearing a black trenchcoat and black wide- rimmed hat and sunglasses gave a low growl, then chugged down the rest of his coffee. This, in turn, caused him to nearly spit it all out again, as it was still very hot. The man at the other end of the table shrugged.  
  
His companion, a slightly taller man with shaggy silver-blue hair in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, shook his head. "Well, yeah, but still, demonstrating the precise art of 'chainsaw soap carving' to suprise your camp counselor... and you really should have turned off the saw when he tried to stop you."  
  
Mantech1 would have answered with a biting response, but he was still gagging from the hot coffee.  
  
Aaron Darwithe shrugged, and took a cautious sip from his own cup. "Then again, that sucks how you got laid off from the Irresponsible Captain Tylor crew. I myself never made it even that far in acting."  
  
Mantech was currently swallowing ice cubes to sooth his throat, but he looked at the other man questioningly.  
  
Aaron sighed. "Yeah, I tried out for every male role there was. And most of the female roles. But the directors refused to hire someone whose hair changes color after he dies." He sipped his coffee. "Well, one of them also said I was a bad actor, but only one of them."  
  
Mantech blinked. "Ah. You're immortal too, huh?"  
  
Aaron nodded. "I found an old peppermint candy on the edge of a sink in a Burger King bathroom one day and ate it. Then I looked at the wrapper, and realized it said, 'He who eats this shall be immortal, to die only to live again, forever.'"  
  
Mantech frowned. "So it killed you, and now you can't die?"  
  
Aaron shook his head. "No, now, when I die, I just respawn. It's not as cool as it sounds. Along with immortality, it seems to have made me far more vulnerable to lethal circumstances, if you catch my drift."  
  
"Uh... no, I don't."  
  
Suddenly, a nearby waitress gasped and tripped onto the floor, and a carving knife was sent flying into the back of Aaron's head.  
  
Mantech blinked and leaned over as his companion's dead body slumped to the floor, and shrugged consideringly.  
  
Right next to him, Aaron slowly faded into view, then looked around in confusion.  
  
"Huh? What? Oh. Knife to the head. That's not so bad. Usually in these little cafes, it's a fork, and then you tend to suffer first."  
  
Mantech nodded, noting that the other man now had fiery red hair. Aaron shoved his corpse out of the seat. The cafe's other patrons all finished staring in disbelief, and immediately started asking for their checks.  
  
"I've got unlimited respawn myself, to tell you the truth."  
  
Aaron blinked at him. "Peppermint candy?"  
  
Mantech shook his head. "Nah. I was going through my usual morning exercises, meaning I ran around blowing things up at random, when I more or less accidentally destroyed some large rock in an old lady's back yard."  
  
Aaron looked up at him. "More or less accidentally, or more or less destroyed?"  
  
Mantech blinked. "Uh.... that's not the point. The point is, I released an accursed demon whose soul had been torn away and had become a mindless drone, unable to feel or portray emotion, completely victim to cold, ruthless logic and law." He stopped to take a sip of his coffee. "Anyway, he explained to me how standard procedure was to curse me forever out of sheer ingratitude, then disappear and wreak havoc upon the world. He didn't seem to understand when I asked him why he couldn't just be grateful, and maybe not doom humanity, so he cursed me to die continually forever." Mantech sipped his coffee some more. "I think he got it wrong though, it's sort of like yours."  
  
Aaron scratched his head. "So what happened to the demon?"  
  
"You ever hear of Al Gore?"  
  
*Beep* *Beep*  
  
Mantech lurched, startled, then realized that his cell phone was ringing.  
  
"Hold on, I have to get this." Mantech took out his phone. "Wassuuuuuuuuuuuuup?"  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Hello? Anybody there?" Mantech blinked. "Oh. It's you......... What does he want? ............ Really? No way! .............. Hmmmm. I guess. What's the pay like? ........................ Well, I guess that's all right. I was never fond of them anyway. The place? ................. Gotcha. See ya."  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
Mantech looked back at him, as if suddenly remembering the other man was there. "Oh, that was Nova, Black Dragon's assistant."  
  
Aaron stood up as Mantech did, and started putting on his coat. "You know BD? That Lord of Chaos guy?"  
  
Mantech nodded. "Yup. I worked a job for him a few months ago when he needed me to make some staff cuts." Mantech stopped to chuckle evilly. "Anyway, he's been kidnapped by the Knights of the True Fiancee, and Max is organizing a rescue party. Wanna come?"  
  
Aaron blinked. "Do we get paid?"  
  
Mantech sighed. "No, I asked. It turns out it's first come, first serve looting instead."  
  
Aaron stopped to consider this. "Well, that sounds good enough. It is the Knights, after all. You can count me in."  
  
Mantech1 smiled. "Buddy, I think you and me are going places."  
  
Suddenly, out the clear blue sky, a bolt of lightning lanced toward the ground and blasted Mantech1 into the concrete just as he stepped outside.  
  
Aaron looked down at him in sympathy and shook his head. "Lightning. Now THAT hurts."  
  
A wavering appeared in the air above the concrete, and the shimmering assumed a humanoid form before solidifying into Mantech1.  
  
"Hey! How come your hair color doesn't change?"  
  
Mantech simply shrugged and kicked his corpse away before walking down the street. "It's a gift."  
  
  
  
*************************************************************************** *******  
  
  
  
Scene: We see a plain, white, empty stage, with an equally plain, white, empty background.  
  
Black Dragon steps out onto the stage, faces us, and coughs into his hand.  
  
BD: And now, a short break.  
  
With that, he walks off calmly, though muttering angrily about the wasted effort of coming up with these things.  
  
  
  
Female Narrator: Tonight, on "Anime Debate", we have Iori Yagami against Kyo Kusanagi, in our continued discussion: "You suck" and "No, I don't".  
  
Iori: You suck!  
  
Kyo: Do not!  
  
Iori: Do too!  
  
Kyo: Do not!  
  
Iori: Do too!  
  
Kyo: Do not!  
  
Iori: Do too times infinity!  
  
Kyo: Do not times infinity plus one!  
  
Iori: Damn you Kusanagiiiiiiiiii!!!  
  
Female Narrator: And so ends tonight's "Anime Debate". Next time, we have Ken Masters vs. Terry Bogard in the age-old argument: "You're a weenie" against "I know you are, but what am I?"  
  
  
  
Scene: Same backdrop as before.  
  
Black Dragon walks out from nowhere, grimacing.  
  
BD: There. Now wasn't that pointless? Well, if you haven't stopped reading by now, we'll be getting on with what passes for a plot in this sad excuse for a fiction.  
  
Still muttering angrily, BD stalks back into nowhere.  
  
  
  
*************************************************************************** *******  
  
  
  
Mantech walked into the unnecessarily-dimly-lit room with Aaron trailing behind. Both of them stopped upon sighting a group of Studio 5's actors, Max, and some guy with blue hair carrying a huge sword on his back and a gun belt that held two identical pistols.  
  
Max looked up, then smiled. "Ah, Mantech1. Very good to see you? Who's this?"  
  
"This is Aaron. Aaron...... uh........"  
  
"Aaron Darwithe. I'm here for the looting." The redhead smirked.  
  
Max nodded, smiling. "Good, good. Feel free to take whatever you want once the operation is under way. This is Ranma, Ranko, Ryoga, Kuno, Shampoo, and Ukyo. And this is LuxDragon."  
  
Mantech blinked, and pointed to the animated characters of the group. "Are they for real?"  
  
Max shook his head. "No. You're thinking of the canon characters. These are sadly conceived rip-offs that only possess certain aspects of the originals' personalities."  
  
Aaron and Mantech looked at each other. "Oh."  
  
The lavender haired girl sighed and pounded a fist onto the large map spread out before them. "Can we get on with this now?!"  
  
Max shook his head. "Not quite yet. We're still waiting for one more."  
  
*Ssssssssshoom!* Everybody turned to watch as a pinprick of light appeared between Mantech and Aaron, then quickly expanded outward. Unfortunately, its rate of growth surpassed Mantech and Aaron's ability to get out of the way quickly enough.  
  
"AUGH!!!"  
  
"URK!!!"  
  
It stopped as it reached the point of being a rectangular plane about 8 feet in height, and a semi-transparent figure dressed all in black robes with a hood obscuring his face stepped out of the portal.  
  
CyMage looked about, only to realize that most of the people in the room were staring at him wide-eyed.  
  
"You... you killed them!" Ukyo, dressed as always in a frilly skirt in colors as girly as any one could find, recoiled in feminine terror.  
  
Ranko gaped. "The-They weren't expendable! Wh-Wh-What are you, crazy?!"  
  
CyMage looked back as his portal disappeared, to see two bodies bloodily carved up into odd shapes. He sweatdropped.  
  
"Uh... sorry. My bad. It's dangerous to touch the edges of these portals; they cut cleaner than any kind of blade, you know?"  
  
Max sighed and hung his head.  
  
Then the fading in and shimmering took place, and the two former morgue patients dusted themselves off.  
  
"So what was it this time? Knife? Bullet? Fire?" Aaron began grumbling to himself, then looked down and stared at his old body. "Ouchies."  
  
Max stared, and started to speak, and Mantech silenced him with an upraised palm. "Unlimited respawn. Don't mind us."  
  
CyMage nodded thankfully. "Yes, yes. You're all right. No need for a lawsuit or anything. Really, it could've been anyone!"  
  
Max shook his head, and then gestured for silence. "All right, here's the plan!"  
  
  
  
Everyone gathered around the table with the map laid out, except Ryoga, who started to wander away before Ranma yanked him into the crowd.  
  
Max gestured to the map, which had a large complex layout drawn on it, and pointed to the three arrows.  
  
"All right. Here's how it goes. Team 1 will include myself, CyMage, and Ranma himself, and will enter here, through the main entrance. This should be heavily guarded, but will have little to no traps or anything really unexpected to deal with, so we'll concentrate firepower. Group 2, which consists of the rest of the animates, namely Ranko, Ryoga, Kuno, Shampoo, and Ukyo, will enter here. This is Canon Temple, the mainstay sanctuary of worship for the Knights. You guys will break in, engage the Knights to create a distraction, and then level the place."  
  
Ukyo interrupted. "Level it? Why do we have to level it?" She curled her fists up under her chin girlishly.  
  
Max blinked, then shrugged. "Because we can." Mantech1 and Aaron gave each other a high-five.  
  
Shampoo stared at Aaron. "Why are you blond now?"  
  
Max continued, unperturbed. "Group 1 will proceed through the main hall, and keep pushing back pro-Akane forces up until this area. Once we reach the Kitchens of Doom, we will then proceed through the ventilation shafts into the lower levels, where the prisons are, free Black Dragon, and blast our way out of the fortress!"  
  
LuxDragon nodded. "Not bad. But where do I come in?"  
  
Mantech looked it over. "Yeah, what about me? And what's this last arrow about?"  
  
Max grinned. "You, Lux, and Aaron, are part of the secondary rescue group! Group 3 will proceed down here, into a not-terribly-secret tunnel that leads straight into the heart of the Heretic Dungeon."  
  
Aaron blinked. "But if that one leads straight to the dungeon, why not just rescue BD through there?"  
  
Max shook his head. "They put it there on purpose, then filled it with painful, lethal traps just to kill anybody stupid enough to actually try to rescue someone using that route."  
  
The three men in question sweatdropped.  
  
  
  
Ranma grinned and pounded his fist on the table. "Sounds good to me! Let's rock!"  
  
"YEAH!!!" Everybody in groups 1 and 2 cheered and scattered, while Mantech1, Aaron, and LuxDragon stood staring at the map.  
  
Aaron turned to Mantech. "They were exaggerating about the traps, right?"  
  
Mantech laughed. "Of course they were! Everything's going to be just fine!"  
  
*Crack!* *BOOM!!!*  
  
LuxDragon blinked as the bolt of lightning dissipated, and the plaster from the ceiling rained down onto a dead Mantech1. Then he turned to Aaron. "Does this kind of thing happen often?"  
  
The man shrugged. "Eh, sort of."  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"I just can't believe this." Ranko stared malevolently at the huge statue outside of the temple, which depicted a 20-foot stone Akane Tendo standing triumphantly in her regular school uniform. Right below her, a stone likeness of a severely beaten Ranma Saotome bowed down to her on his knees, shackles adorning his wrists and ankles, which in turn were connected to large, elaborately carved stone chains that the stone Akane held victoriously.  
  
"This is beyond wrong," Shampoo growled.  
  
Ryoga stared at her. "BD was right. You do sound a lot better with the funny speech patterns."  
  
She stared back. "And what brought this up NOW?!"  
  
"Please don't fight!" Ukyo whined.  
  
"Hold your tongues! Someone approaches!" Kuno lowered himself further behind the large bush.  
  
  
  
One of the guards eyed the man who approached suspiciously. "Halt! State your purpose for entering the most holy sanctuary of our perfect goddess, the Mistress of Mallets, and the True Fiancee!"  
  
The man nodded. "I come seeking only to bask in the aura of the Great One's righteous fury and contemplate her vivid perfection."  
  
One of the other guard stepped forward. "Do you forsake all others for the sake of our goddess?"  
  
The man bowed deeply. "But of course! Let not a man mock her perfection and superior skill! Let not a soul suggest surrendering her rightful property, the wretched jerk Ranma Saotome, to another woman! Those that dare will be flamed into the depths of the hell that is their deserved fate!"  
  
The two guards that covered the doors themselves nodded in approval. "Very well. You may pass." They opened the doors and let the man through. Around other parts of the building, several other guards rolled their eyes at the common display.  
  
  
  
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Ranko deadpanned.  
  
"Should we go now? I wanna fight!" Ryoga hopped gleefully even as he crouched with everyone else behind the plant.  
  
"Stick to the plan, cretin!" Kuno nodded to Ranko.  
  
Ranko nodded back, then unbuttoned her shirt.  
  
  
  
The guards all snapped to attention as someone else approached, then almost fell over when they saw who it was.  
  
Ranko swayed seductively as she drew closer to the entrance, her shirt fully undone to reveal the stretched tank top underneath.  
  
She gave the men a smirk. "Hello boys."  
  
Immediately, several of the guards fell to their knees and started praying, muttering about mallets and protection.  
  
The rest turned to look at each other.  
  
"At last! She has appeared!" Ranko blinked at this.  
  
"Let the Revolution begin!" The guards thrust their fists into the air, then turned to the other guards, who were still kneeling and staring about in confusion.  
  
One of them got up. "RRR spies!" He growled, "Get them!!"  
  
The other animates exited the bushes, only to find that a scattered melee had started without them.  
  
"Hey! Stop! I don't like violence!" Ukyo started to cry.  
  
"Why did we bring her along?" Shampoo sighed.  
  
Ryoga pounded a fist into his palm. "Yay! Can I smash something now?"  
  
Ranko looked about, then shrugged. "Yeah, sure. And you can start with the statue."  
  
And so the fight had begun.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"Oh noboooooooody knoooooooows... the trouble I've seeeeeeeeen. Noboooooooody knoooooooows, my sorrow..."  
  
"Please! Please! Can you please just be quiet?!" The guard cried desperately from the other side of the armored door.  
  
BD glanced at it, annoyed. "Why should I? I'm being held prisoner here!"  
  
"Because! You only know one verse!"  
  
BD huffed defensively. "NOT true! I know three verses!"  
  
"It doesn't count if you make them up!"  
  
"Well now you're just nit-picking." BD muttered.  
  
The guard shouted incoherently in frustration, then turned to someone else out in the hallway. "Can't we just execute him now? PLEASE?!?!"  
  
The other voice chuckled. "I'm sorry, but though the heretic is annoying, he does possess one quality that our enlightened brethren do not share."  
  
"What? Intelligence?" BD smirked as there was a clatter outside.  
  
The chuckling suddenly started up again. "Laugh while you still can, fool! I was referring to your expendability. You'll make a fine lab rat for our mistress's cooking practice!"  
  
Black Dragon's eyes bulged. "Wh-What? You can't! That's too cruel!"  
  
The chuckling stopped. "Mr. Dragon, are you insinuating that the great and utterly perfect Akane Tendo is a bad cook?"  
  
"I'm not insinuating anything. She IS a bad cook. Period." BD deadpanned.  
  
The eyes through the little slot seemed to get angry. "FOOL!! What do you know? Her cooking isn't that bad! And she tries hard!"  
  
"Yeah, she tries hard," BD began, "and then she tries harder, until she ruins it, then finds someone else to taste it before she does! Did you ever wonder that maybe there's a REASON she knows not to taste her own food?!" BD stopped, and blinked. "Actually," he amended, "that would be giving her far too much credit. I don't think she's that smart."  
  
The guard's eyes blazed. "How dare you?! How is she to get better if all the fool Saotome does is insult it?!"  
  
"I don't know, maybe ask someone to TEACH her?! You know, like somebody with the brains of a raccoon might figure out?!"  
  
And so began yet another fierce debate over Akane's competence; just one of the hundreds that would start and seem to drag on forever until death, like the stars themselves, since the dawn of the great series.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"But I still have to wonder why we're going along with this." LuxDragon slashed another bush to pieces as he forged a path through the thick forest area that surrounded the main citadel.  
  
*Vroom!* *Vroom!* *Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrzt!* Pieces of bark and leaves sprayed everywhere as the chainsaw was swiped back and forth recklessly. "Ha ha ha ha ha!!"  
  
Aaron watched expressionlessly as more unfortunate trees were reduced to a sap/bark mush. Then he frowned. "Where'd you get the chainsaw?"  
  
Mantech1 stopped, and then blinked through the hockey mask he was wearing. The chainsaw disappeared behind his back. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Really."  
  
LuxDragon sweatdropped. "You got sap on your hockey mask."  
  
The mask's eyes blinked again, and Mantech rubbed at the bridge of the nose. "There! Did I get it? Er..." The mask quickly joined the oversized gardening tool into the vast reaches of hammerspace.  
  
Lux shook his head, then continued hacking away at the branches. "Not that I'm eager to get there or anything, but I really wish we didn't have to cut our way through the forest."  
  
Mantech1 blinked. "Well why didn't you say so? I can take care of that!"  
  
His two companions blinked as Mantech reached into his trenchcoat and pulled out several baseball-sized metal spheres.  
  
Aaron looked uneasy. "That wouldn't be..."  
  
Mantech grinned. "You got it! Napalm! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!" Four grenades went sailing over the tree line.  
  
LuxDragon stared as a huge red glow appeared in the distance, and started heading towards them. "Okay... now what do we do to avoid getting burned?"  
  
"Huh? Avoid getting... oops. Heh heh." Mantech grinned sheepishly.  
  
*THWOOOOOOOOM!*  
  
  
  
After the entire forest area had been reduced to a charcoal wasteland, a portion of air started to shimmer, a faded outline began to come into view, and one particular piece of charcoal broke apart into small pinpricks of light and began to gather in the air.  
  
Eventually, a fairly dazed Mantech1, Aaron Darwithe, and LuxDragon were staggering about.  
  
"NEVER do that again!" Lux growled. The others stared at him.  
  
"Peppermint candy?" Aaron asked.  
  
"Cursed by Al Gore?" Mantech followed.  
  
LuxDragon blinked, then shook his head. "Naw, I'm just immortal. Now let's get a move on!"  
  
The others stared, then started to follow him. "No, no, seriously. What was it?"  
  
"......................... Bill O'Reilly and a magic Snickers bar. No more questions."  
  
"Ouch." Mantech1 winced.  
  
"There it is!" Aaron pointed to a large wall heavily laden with scorch marks where a single man-sized tunnel opened into the interior.  
  
Next to it was a sign that said [Back door to impenetrable dungeon. No one but KoTF admitted!]  
  
Mantech1 sweatdropped. "They don't really expect that to work, do they?"  
  
LuxDragon sighed. "And yet, here we are. Let's go."  
  
  
  
And so they entered the dungeon, and so stepped forward to face the perils of the deadly traps with a bravery and courage rarely seen on anyone not completely suicidal.  
  
*Shing!*  
  
"Ouch! My leg!*  
  
*Thwip*  
  
"Ugh! God dammit!"  
  
*Chung-chung-chung-chung* *CRASH!!*  
  
"...... Medic......"  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
CyMage phased in before the gates of the KoTF citadel, and the tip of his staff burst into flame.  
  
The guards gaped, unsure of what to make of this at all. Their mistake.  
  
*Blam!* *Blam!* Twin missiles of flame reduced the misguided fellows to ash, thus adding two more human lives to the steadily mounting list of needless deaths... not that anybody cared.  
  
"You were right! Most of them are off defending the temple! Come on!" The shadowed hood swung back to the great doors, searching for more enemies.  
  
Ranma was by his side in an instant, and then bounded forward to look inside. Max brought up the rear, quantum bracers covered in arcs of purple energy.  
  
"There are a lot of them in there!" Ranma back off, and several shouts could be heard. "They're arming themselves with really big hammers!"  
  
CyMage nodded, then thrust a hand out toward the open doors. "Fireball!" A huge sphere of fire rocketed towards the entrance, and the screams of the dying could be heard as flames billowed out of the main entry hall and into the courtyard.  
  
"ADVANCE!!!" Max shouted, and then sprinted into the hall with Ranma. They were met immediately by a counter-charge, and Max blasted the lot of them with a wide charge of purplish electricity. Those that still staggered forward or were too far out to get hit were inevitably beaten down by Ranma.  
  
The pigtailed martial artist/actor cracked his knuckles and grinned. "Feh, that was easy. I really might have to demand another raise for BD making me waste my time like this."  
  
CyMage entered from behind, and nodded in approval. "Good. They've no doubt raised an alarm that we're in here. I'll set some quick traps, and we can make our way to the bio-waste facilities."  
  
Ranma blinked. "You mean Akane's kitchen?"  
  
"Same thing."  
  
Several figures came into view dressed in flowing robes with a small wooden mallet insignia on the chest. "Heathens! How dare you defile this sacred temple of our perfect goddess?!"  
  
Ranma snorted. "Perfect goddess? Uncute tomboy, if you ask me."  
  
The figures suddenly pointed to Ranma. "Ah ha! It is the perverted jerk Saotome! Come to receive your rightful punishment at last?"  
  
CyMage stared, and turned to Max. "Are these guys for real?"  
  
Max sighed. "Unfortunately." The assistant director twisted the wrist of his gauntlet, and the electric prongs were retracted, to be replaced by a wide tube.  
  
"Buzz off before I burn you." Max gestured them away with his fist, and the two priests walked away cautiously, grumbling all the while.  
  
The semi-transparent shadowed figure turned to his companions. "Quickly! We must make our way to the Kitchens of Doom!"  
  
The two animates nodded, and rushed into the hallway, followed by the mysterious sorcerer.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"But you don't understand. The element of physical violence was perfectly acceptable for the aspect of comedy that was inherent in the original series, but it didn't jive with Ranma 1/2's secondary genre, as a romance."  
  
The guard snorted. "What are you talking about? They were in love!"  
  
BD shook his head, inwardly saddened at the guard's utter simplicity. "Yes, yes. But they fell in 'love' through totally irrational means. Akane is abusive, no matter which way you look at it. While this is funny to watch, it doesn't lend any believability to Ranma falling in love with her. One does not simply forgive and grow affection for another who treats him as a punching bag. Unless Ranma is simply the nicest guy on the planet. And believe me, he's not. I work with him. Or at least one of his alternates."  
  
"You're wrong! She doesn't hit him without a good reason!"  
  
"Like when some other girl hugs him or when he defends himself from P- chan?"  
  
The guard growled and started to formulate a response. Luckily for him, the conversation was interrupted.  
  
*BRING!!* *BRING!!* *BRING!!* *BRING!!*  
  
Black Dragon winced, then covered his ears. "Hey! What's the deal?"  
  
The guard blinked, then turned to his companion, who was out of BD's sight. "Which alarm is that?"  
  
There was a soft humming from the other side of the steel door (which was mostly drowned out by the blaring siren). "It either means that intruders have broken into the citadel, or that someone just made chocolate chip cookies in the lounge."  
  
The guard's eyes widened. "What? We'd better get moving!" The metal view cover slid shut, and the two Knights left for the break lounge.  
  
"Well... yeah. I'll, uh... just wait here then..." BD sighed, then stood up against the wall and started humming the Ranma 1/2 OAV opening song.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"Well, that was easy. I'm kinda disappointed." Ranko looked around at the rubble that once stood as the greatest shrine to Akane's 'greatness'.  
  
Around her and her companions lay the unconscious or dead bodies of several Knights, as well as many similarly dressed figures kneeling and/or bowing to Ranko, which she completely ignored.  
  
Ryoga looked around. "Does that mean it's over? That was great! Let's do it again!"  
  
Kuno shook his head sadly. "It doth be fate, I suppose, that I am to be allied with such fools. If our objective lay completed, what more is to be accomplished?"  
  
Shampoo cocked her head slightly. "There's a shrine to Heero Yui and Usagi Tsuniko down the street..."  
  
Ranko grinned. "Well, we never did get to use that gasoline! We might as well!"  
  
"YAY!!!" Ryoga skipped happily behind his companions, occasionally stepping on a kneeling RRR zealot without noticing.  
  
  
  
Behind them, Ukyo cried softly as she tried to rub patches of dried blood off her spatula blade with a towel. "Waaaah... I don't like icky blood!"  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
*SHICK!*  
  
"Ugh!" LuxDragon stumbled forward as the rows of spikes bit into his legs, and fell onto the first section of stone floor that didn't have scattered pressure plates since he had entered the tunnel. He felt his leg regenerate, then staggered forward onto the circular room beyond the hall.  
  
Lux heaved a long sigh of relief, then looked back. "Watch out for the pressure plate on the left!"  
  
"Wha? Pressure plate? Another one?"  
  
"Aaron! Look out! You're about to step on it!"  
  
*Creak...*  
  
"Oh, fudge," came the voices in stereo.  
  
*SHICK!*  
  
LuxDragon winced, then shook his head and turned around. On the wall opposite him, a single wooden door marked the only exit past the hellish tunnel of death.  
  
The odd thing was, hanging down in the middle of the circular room, there was a long rope attached to a sign that clearly read [Do not pull]  
  
Aaron faded back into existence, then walked up to the sign. "What's this?" Lux noted that his hair color had cycled completely and was now silver-blue again.  
  
Mantech1 shimmered into reality next to him, then nodded at the sign. "Ah. Reverse psychology, obviously. Meaning they want us to pull it!" Mantech grinned at his apparent cleverness, then reached out and tugged on the rope.  
  
He frowned. "Wait... oops."  
  
LuxDragon slapped his forehead.  
  
*Grrrrrk!* The sound of stone moving on stone echoed within the circular room, and all three temporary commandos looked up to see the ceiling rushing down on top of them.  
  
"Door! Door! Open! Quick!" Aaron started panicking, and fumbled with what looked like an old flintlock pistol strapped to his waist.  
  
"No time! Take cover!" Mantech threw an explosive at the door, and he and his companions were nearly blown off their feet from the pressure of the explosion in such a small enclosed area.  
  
"There! Now-"  
  
*SMASH!!!*  
  
  
  
The three temporary rescuers respawned in the tunnel beyond the circular room, luckily, sparing them the trouble of waiting for the huge ceiling trap to reset itself.  
  
LuxDragon sighed. "Well, I say, screw Black and let's go home."  
  
Mantech1 shook his head and stepped forward. "Feh! Don't be a wimp! We've just started! Are you going to give up just because of a few near-death experiences?"  
  
Aaron stared at him. "Near-death?"  
  
Mantech blinked. "Well... I mean, what would you call them? Mostly-death experiences?"  
  
"Maybe undead experiences?"  
  
"No, we're definitely not undead. Resurrected-death experiences?"  
  
LuxDragon continued on ahead, making sure to keep his arms at his sides. 'I must not shoot my teammates. I must not shoot my teammates. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Just take a deep breath and count to ten. That's right......'  
  
*Boom!!*  
  
LuxDragon stumbled, then turned around briskly.  
  
"WHAT are you doing?!"  
  
Mantech looked at him, and then immediately hid the remote-control detonator behind his back. "Nothing. Why do you ask?"  
  
Aaron looked into the room behind the ruined wall and whistled. "Hey! Come look at this stuff!"  
  
His companions shared a glance, then entered the former doorway (now a blackened hole in the brick wall).  
  
LuxDragon stared at the miscellaneous items scattered around the room. "Wow... look, a hardsuit! And this is a Henshin stick!"  
  
Mantech1 laughed. "All right! Weapons rack! Reverse-blade sword, plasma rifle, tenchi-ken, zabatou..."  
  
Aaron entered the next room and stared in wonder. "WHOA!!! There must be mecha from every giant robot series ever created! There are like 30 different Gundams in here!"  
  
LuxDragon shook his head as he joined Aaron at the entrance to the mech room. "They've even got a Nanban mirror and a koi rod. Remarkable. Huh. Is that Voltron?"  
  
He spent a moment appreciating the giant robots, then turned back to the main storage room.  
  
Lux sweatdropped as he realized that half the items in the room were gone. "Uh... What happened here?"  
  
Mantech looked at him irritably. "What? What are you looking at me for? What did I do? Do you have any proof?! HUH?!?!"  
  
Lux sweatdropped and shook his head. 'Why, oh why must I always pair up with the asylum escapees? ... Great, now I'm having flashbacks to my Junior Prom.'  
  
Aaron looked through a different doorway, then gestured to the others. "Hey guys! Com'ere! You gotta see this!"  
  
Mantech1 and LuxDragon peeked into the next room, and their eyes widened at the sight. Laid out before them, in a vast hallway with gilded walls, lay a red velvet carpet surrounded on both sides by glass cases, each containing within it a mallet.  
  
"The legendary Hall of Hammers," Aaron breathed.  
  
"Peachy," Lux deadpanned.  
  
There were mallets of every shape, size, and material composition within the hall. Some had iron heads, many were wooden. Some could fit inside a large pocket, while some were big enough so that it was hard to imagine anyone but Mousse being able to hide them away.  
  
LuxDragon shook his head, and walked down the hall with Aaron. Mantech lagged behind a bit, as he was strapping C4 blocks to various display cases.  
  
  
  
It was in those golden halls that they encountered the first of many Knights that they would face in their quest. It was an experience none of them would forget...  
  
"HALT HERETICS!!! We will-"  
  
LuxDragon drew his twin handguns. *Blam* *Blam* *Blam* *Blam*  
  
Two corpses hit the ground.  
  
"Heh heh. No respawn for these punks." Mantech1 grinned and finished arming the last of the plastic explosives.  
  
... At least, they didn't forget it for a good two minutes.  
  
"Ah man, I got blood on my shoe."  
  
"Stop whining Aaron."  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"Chain lighting!" *Zap* *Crack* *Zakk*  
  
"Mouko Takabisha!" *Boom!*  
  
"Suck on this, intolerant flamers!" *Rattattattattattattatta!!*  
  
  
  
Soon, the last Knight of the True Fiancee hit the ground in a smoking heap, and the three fighters looked around themselves in approval at their handiwork.  
  
"We should get one of those kill counters in the corner, like they had in Hotshots 2," Ranma mused.  
  
Max started fiddling with one of his gauntlets. "I have one of those. Hold on a sec, I'll get your score."  
  
CyMage ignored his companions, instead walking up to a heavily reinforced doorway that led further into the cathedral. A yellow glow illuminate the tip of his staff, and a bolt of pure energy shot out and disintegrated a large chunk of the thick steel, easily enough for the average person to step through.  
  
"Here we go. CyMage got 42. You got 24. I have 37 kills." He gave the mysterious sorcerer a thumbs-up. "Way to go Cy!"  
  
Ranma gave Max an irritated stare. "What? I got the least?"  
  
Max shrugged. "Martial arts is made for defense and one-on-one combat, not widespread manslaughter."  
  
Ranma simply grumbled to himself.  
  
CyMage silenced them with a wave of his staff. "Quiet. We are entering... the Kitchens of Doom!"  
  
  
  
The three warriors stepped forward cautiously, and each looked nervously at the luminescent green goo that was spread haphazardly around on the floors.  
  
CyMage's hood swayed back and forth as he took in the large reddish-brown stains on the wall. "What is all this?"  
  
"Akane's chicken surprise."  
  
CyMage and Max turned to look at Ranma. He shuddered.  
  
"The 'surprise' is that it can form a poisonous, rock-hard crust on any metal surface it touches. Actually, if you put it in a tin can, you can grow a little crystal farm. That's what I did for my sophomore science project."  
  
The others sweatdropped.  
  
"Graaah!!"  
  
The cry elicited a startled gasp from the assembled warriors, and they all turned to see a huge yellow mass sliding across the floor towards them.  
  
"Holy mother! What is that?!" CyMage shot a beam of light into the creature, which was completely absorbed with no ill effects.  
  
Ranma gulped. "Akane's vegetable tempura! Don't waste your energy, it's pretty much invincible! This way!"  
  
He ran down a different hallway, and Max and CyMage exchanged a glance before following him. They continued running, up until a thin, ribbon-like protrusion snaked down and narrowly missed snagging Ranma.  
  
"Look out! It's her broiled unagi!" Ranma flipped away as the slimy, mutated eel lashed at him again.  
  
Purple energy flashed from Max's gauntlets, and formed a thick blade of energy. A dull screech echoed in the steel halls as the unagi was slashed in two.  
  
CyMage stared in disbelief as the cut portion of the unagi grew a small lump that might have been a head once, and then started to make its way toward Max. A blast of fire from his staff elicited another dull scream, and the rather poor excuse for an entree shriveled up.  
  
"There's more! Miso soup and rice bombs incoming!" Ranma jumped to the side, and started running down a different passageway. His companions followed nervously.  
  
"Wait, rice bombs? Don't you mean rice balls?"  
  
Ranma shuddered. "Not after Akane gets her hands on them. How she mistook nitroglycerin for canola oil still confuses the heck outa me."  
  
CyMage turned, and raised a shield just in time, as multiple detonations tore up the hall behind them.  
  
Ranma gasped. "Damn! More tempura! Akane made seconds!!"  
  
CyMage and Max both poured lightning bolts into the slimy yellow entity, but to absolutely no effect. The mound of goo shook violently, and a massive, vein-covered eye poked its way through to stare at them.  
  
"Oh, crud." Ranma looked around, then charged his way through a metal wall with a nasty yellowish stain on it. The stained metal came apart like a wall of dried paint, shattering into fragile chips.  
  
CyMage and Max wasted no time in following Ranma's lead, and barreled into the other hallway. The trio picked a direction, and kept running.  
  
"What was that stuff on the wall?" Max gasped out.  
  
Ranma shook his head. "Akane's miso soup. It's a really, really strong acid." He was still breathing easy, having much better physical conditioning.  
  
CyMage sped forward, utilizing his magic to hover just two inches above the floor. "Where does this tunnel lead?"  
  
Ranma shot him an annoyed look. "You think I know?"  
  
Suddenly, the hallway came to an end.  
  
  
  
Ranma, Max, and CyMage all sweatdropped as they beheld a massive group of people all on their knees with their heads bowed. In the center of the congregation, Akane sat in a huge golden throne in her training gi, looking bored as the people around her whispered words of praise and devotion.  
  
Akane noticed the small group that was gaping at the edge of her swarm of fanatic followers, and scowled.  
  
"So! These are the intruders?! Hmph. They don't look like much to me." Her attention centered on Ranma. "And what do you think YOU'RE doing, you stupid jerk?! Helping these idiots to cause trouble! You're always making a mess of things!"  
  
The crowd immediately got up and turned to face the intruders. "So! They come! And the pigtailed one is with them! Come to ask his forgiveness for his crimes against the goddess Tendo, and surrender himself to her, no doubt?"  
  
Ranma snorted. "Hardly. Look, I'm just here for a friend of mine, okay? So how about you just hand him over, and we all leave without anybody getting hurt. Okay?"  
  
Several of the Knights began hefting large, heavy objects.  
  
"HOLD IT!!! STOP!!!" Everyone froze, then stared at CyMage, who was pointing at Akane.  
  
"What's going on here?! I thought Akane was back at the studio!!"  
  
Max blinked, then shook his head. "No, no, that's not the real Akane at the studio. She's an alternate. This is the real Akane."  
  
CyMage blinked, though nobody could tell through the shadows of his hood. "Alternate? What?"  
  
Ranma coughed, and everyone turned their attention towards him. Ranma flipped on a pair of glasses, then took a large book out of nowhere and opened it.  
  
"'Alternates' are versions, or more accurately, copies of anime characters that are fundamentally the same as their original counterparts, but lacking a certain trait or traits that are important to or define said character. In addition, they may possess certain skills, abilities, or qualities of their original counterpart, but lack the experience of that counterpart, or certain qualities that define a given experience." Ranma took off his glasses and banished the book back to the depths of anime storage-space. "For example, canon Ranma has the libido of a dead fish. The last night I spent alone was on my fourteenth birthday."  
  
CyMage blinked. "Uh huh... so, what's the difference between our Akane and this one?"  
  
Ranma smirked. "Actor Akane means it when she says she doesn't care what I do with other girls. She loses the jealousy factor."  
  
"I am NOT jealous!!" The rescue team remembered themselves for a moment, and turned back towards the horde of zealots getting ready to crush them. CyMage's staff started to glow.  
  
Suddenly, the sorcerer pointed behind the crowd of misguided otaku. "Hey, look over there! It's a 100 yen coin!" Predictably, every one of them turned around and started searching the ground before them.  
  
The light on CyMage's staff expanded, and he and his comrades were swallowed up in a sphere of pulsating energy before disappearing completely.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"Intruders! Halt!" The guards rushed forward recklessly, bringing wooden mallets to bear as their target raised a flimsy-looking flintlock pistol and aimed...  
  
*Blam!* A small red gem flew from the barrel of the primitive weapon, and struck the lead guard straight in the chest.  
  
*KABOOM!!!* The detonation wiped out all of the Knights in the hallway, as well as leaving really neat scorch marks on the wall. Aaron, Mantech1, and LuxDragon were all forced to cover their faces with their arms as the heat wave washed over them.  
  
Mantech lowered his arms, and whistled appreciatively. "Napalm effect! NICE!!!"  
  
Aaron shrugged and pocketed his plas-crys flintlock pistol.  
  
LuxDragon walked past his comrades, then stopped at a wooden door. He unsheathed the large sword on his back, and then smashed the door apart with one deft stroke.  
  
"All right! Listen up!" LuxDragon stepped into the hallway of the prisons, with Mantech and Aaron stepping on either side right behind him. "We just went through a lot of shit to get here, and the next shift of guards will be here in about 5 minutes. Now which one of you losers is Black Dragon?"  
  
Several of the prisoners blinked.  
  
"I'm Black Dragon!"  
  
"No, I am!"  
  
"Me! Me! I'm Black Dragon!"  
  
"You're not even black!"  
  
"It's just a pen name, fool! I'm Black Dragon!"  
  
"I am!"  
  
LuxDragon, Mantech1, and Aaron all sweatdropped as the prisoners started bickering.  
  
Aaron turned to his companions. "So... okay... what does this guy look like?"  
  
They blinked. LuxDragon shrugged. "Got me. I've never met him, I've only negotiated with Max."  
  
They turned to Mantech.  
  
He bigsweated, then scratched his head. "Uh... well, I met him once. I think he was blond."  
  
"My hair is dark brown!"  
  
Mantech's forehead wrinkled in thought. "He was definitely Asian."  
  
"I'm Hispanic!"  
  
Mantech blinked. "Wait... I think BD was a girl."  
  
*Crash* The sound of facefaulting could be heard.  
  
Mantech looked thoughtful for a few more moments. "No, never mind. I'm thinking of someone else."  
  
Lux and Aaron sweatdropped again. Then Lux sighed, and pointed to a cell at random.  
  
"You! Are you Black Dragon?"  
  
The man addressed blinked rapidly, then nodded. "Yeah! That's me! Black Dragon! Right!"  
  
"NO YOU'RE NOT!!!" The shout was ignored.  
  
*Shing!* LuxDragon easily sliced the door of the cell open with his broadsword, and Mantech and Aaron retrieved the man inside.  
  
"All right, let's go." Lux let his companions pass by him with their rescued prisoner, then began to follow them out of the cell block.  
  
"Heh heh, you know, I'm not really Black Dragon..." the man was ignored as Mantech and Aaron continued dragging him out.  
  
"No, seriously, I was just joking. I'm not Black Dragon. I think he's that one over there. Hey! Stop! Come on! Put me back!"  
  
*Rrrrrrk!* The heavy door let off an echoing boom as LuxDragon shut it, ignoring the pleas of their liberated prisoner.  
  
  
  
Back in his cell, Black Dragon banged his head against the wall repeatedly.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"No, you see, I was just SAYING I was Black Dragon. He's really still back there."  
  
Mantech1 turned to Aaron. "Hey Darwithe, think we've milked the Monty Python in-joke enough?"  
  
Aaron nodded, then stopped. LuxDragon walked past them, then turned to face the liberated man.  
  
"All right, if you're not really Black Dragon, who are you?"  
  
The man blinked. "Me? I'm Tomas Megerson."  
  
"................................................." Was the general response.  
  
Lux turned back around suddenly, then gestured for his companions to follow with the author.  
  
"We're going to keep going? We're really going to leave BD here?" Mantech frowned.  
  
LuxDragon turned around again while still keeping pace with the others, walking backwards. "You think I'm going to rescue Black and leave TOMAS MEGERSON to rot in a KoTF prison cell?"  
  
Mantech and Aaron blinked.  
  
"Good point."  
  
Tomas shrugged. "Okay, fine, but can you at least let go of me? I can walk, you know."  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
Ranma pulled another banana peel off his leg and gave a disgusted glance at the thick, brackish liquid that had stained his shirt sleeve. "I can't believe you phased us right into a garbage dump. Couldn't you have aimed just a few meters to the left?"  
  
CyMage shrugged. Mysteriously enough, he had managed to get out of the dump without any perceptible contact with the garbage. "Group teleportation is tricky. I managed to get us into the lower levels, and we didn't phase into a wall, so stop complaining." Ranma continued grumbling anyway.  
  
Max pushed a button on his grime-covered gauntlets, and a miniature hologram appeared showing the tunnels below the Knight cathedral. "All right, we should be coming up on the dungeon right now."  
  
"And then to complete the cliche, the compactor function kicks in, and the walls nearly crush us!" Max and CyMage ignored Ranma as the group came to a large wooden door with a small rectangle of metal built in at eye level.  
  
Max stared for a moment, then knocked on the door.  
  
The sound of footsteps reverberated through the halls, and the replacement guard slid the rectangle of metal to the side so that he could see through the door. "Yeah? What do you want?"  
  
Max coughed. "We're here to rescue one of your prisoners. A man by the name of Black Dragon."  
  
The guard shifted his view to look directly at Max. "Black Dragon, you say?"  
  
Max nodded. The small view slot closed.  
  
The temporary commandos looked at each other for a moment, and then the view slot opened again.  
  
"M'fraid there's no 'Black Dragon' here. Sorry."  
  
Max blinked. "What do you mean he's not here?"  
  
"He's not on the list."  
  
CyMage stepped closer to Max so that he could peer into the slot. "What list?"  
  
The guard stared at CyMage for a moment, but gave up trying to see past the shadows of his hood. "The list of prisoners, of course. He's not on there."  
  
Max considered this. "Well, is it possible that there's a mistake on the list?"  
  
The guard shrugged. "Maybe. It could happen, I suppose."  
  
"Well then, could you let us come in and maybe ask around for Black Dragon?" CyMage reasoned.  
  
The guard shook his head. "Nope, sorry. If he's not here, then I can't let you in. And if he's not on the list, then he's probably not here."  
  
Max growled slightly. "Well, look at the list again! Maybe you missed him!"  
  
The guard's face backed away from the slot momentarily. "Nope. I've got a Black Knight, and a Fire Dragon, but no Black Dragon."  
  
CyMage sighed. "Well, is it POSSIBLE that maybe the list is mistaken, and you have a Fire Knight and a Black Dragon?"  
  
The guard considered it. "Maybe..."  
  
"Well, do you think you could just go and ask real quick?" CyMage snapped, his patience running short.  
  
"All right, all right, no need to be rude about it..." the guard's grumbling faded as he walked further into the dungeon.  
  
After a few moments, the pair of beady eyes was once more visible through the view slot. "You're right! I've got him right over there!"  
  
CyMage nodded. "Good. So Black Dragon is here, then."  
  
"Black Dragon? No, I've got Fire Knight."  
  
*Crash!* Ranma, CyMage, and Max all picked themselves off the floor slowly.  
  
Max grasped the door on either side of the small slot, his fingers digging into the thick, dry wood. "Look!! We're here for BLACK DRAGON!!! Is there a Black Dragon back there or not?!"  
  
The guard shrunk back immediately, and grumbled louder as he left for the cells again.  
  
Max fumed not-so-silently until the man returned.  
  
"Well, you're right again. I've got him in the back cells. Poor fool was going to be put into her goddess Akane's kitchens, too."  
  
The group of rescuers shuddered collectively. Max calmed himself, and stopped leaning against the door.  
  
"Okay then, let's see him."  
  
The guard smiled sheepishly. "Nope, sorry. You see, I can't let you in if he IS here, either."  
  
CyMage and Ranma each stepped back as Max went absolutely silent and glared at the foolish little man on the other side of the wooden barrier. The gauntlet was raised. There was a flashy energy charging effect.  
  
*KABLAAAAM!!!!*  
  
CyMage and Ranma nodded at the huge blackened area that was once a doorway set in a reinforced stone wall.  
  
"We really should have just done that in the first place," Ranma mused.  
  
It wasn't long before they located the right cell, and Ranma smashed the door apart easily.  
  
"Man! What a lucky break! Thanks you guys, I-" BD stopped and stared at Max, who had suddenly gotten big-and-watery eyes and was staring at him with his fists bunched up under his chin.  
  
"BOSS!!!!" *Mega-Glomp* "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I missed you so much!!"  
  
CyMage and Ranma winced in sympathy as they watched the assistant director crush the life out of his employer/master.  
  
"C-C-Can't... b-b-b-breathe... life force... fading......" Max finally dropped him, and BD gasped for breath as Max started to ask about his health and fuss over him like a mother.  
  
"Well, that's one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen in my life." CyMage tapped his staff on the ground, and managed to get everyone's attention. "All right, Black Dragon, it's good to see you, especially as you're paying my bill, but we just created a rather loud explosion, and there's no doubt a huge contingency of Knights ready to tear us to little tiny pieces. So if we could move it along..."  
  
BD nodded. "Right. Just let me get something real quick, and we can get out of this dump."  
  
CyMage and Max nodded, and exited the dungeon.  
  
  
  
Ranma looked about outside the dungeon entrance, then shook his head. "It's all clear! Let's get a move on!"  
  
CyMage and Max rushed past him towards a stairwell, and then rushed upward. Black Dragon began to follow, only to be bowled over as the aforementioned individuals backed right down the stairs again.  
  
"There's a ton of Knights up there! We're trapped!"  
  
CyMage gulped and nodded. "They have tempura with them! We can't fight our way out!"  
  
BD's left eye started to twitch slightly. "Well... all right then..."  
  
Ranma stared at his companions. "Well?! We gotta do something!"  
  
CyMage lifted his staff. "I... I guess I can try another teleport..."  
  
"Don't bother."  
  
The others all looked at BD as he took out a remote control, and hit a button on it. Then he slipped the device back in his jacket.  
  
CyMage sweatdropped. "Uh... was that supposed to help somehow?"  
  
BD smirked. "Just wait for it. And keep a strong shield up, or we'll die too."  
  
Ranma and CyMage looked at each other dubiously, while Max suddenly looked nervous.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in a firefight far, far away...  
  
  
  
*Pshoo* *Pshoo* *Pshoo* *Pshoo*  
  
"Rayden! Cut off the back entry!" Ranma ducked behind another crate to avoid the incoming blaster fire, then took out two defenders in quick succession from his new defensive position.  
  
*BOOOOOM!!!!*  
  
"Got it! They won't be gettin' through!!" Rayden hefted an oversized blaster carbine, and punched a hole right through a bulkhead to spear the guard behind it.  
  
The captain of the cargo ship growled. "Give yourself up, pirate scum! You won't get out of this alive!!"  
  
Ranma grinned, then put a hand to his mouth. "Oh yeah?! You wanna bet, jer- " *Beep!* *Beep!* *Beep!*  
  
Ranma blinked, then suddenly stood up in the midst of the crossfire and held out a palm. "Stop! Hold on a sec!!"  
  
Several of the defenders stopped firing in confusion, while others merely slowed their ineffectual rate of fire, eventually lowering their weapons.  
  
The captain blinked. "Something wrong?"  
  
Ranma looked down at his belt. "Just hold on a sec. My pager went off."  
  
The defenders sweatdropped collectively.  
  
Ranma groaned disgustedly. "Aw, great. It's BD. He needs an air strike. Come on Rayden."  
  
The large man gave a heavy sigh, then hefted his heavy laser cannon and walked to the airlock.  
  
Ranma turned toward the guards of the beleaguered cargo vessel. "Look, I hafta go. I'm sorry about the inconvenience, or the convenience, or whatever, but I'll have to pillage you guys later. My boss needs me to demolish something." With that, Ranma rushed out after his subordinate, leaving a baffled group of soldiers behind.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
"Ha ha ha!! We have them now! The heretics will pay for defiling our sacred temple and holy cathedral!"  
  
The other Knights would have joined the self-proclaimed priest in victorious laughter, but they were too busy trying to coax Akane's vegetable tempura forward toward the stairwell without touching its highly acidic body mass.  
  
One of the Knights near the back was next to a window, and was thus in the perfect position to catch a flash of red descending very quickly towards the cathedral.  
  
"Hey guys, what's that?"  
  
Several other worshippers of the Eternal Tomboy turned toward him. "What?"  
  
The scream of the engines was audible now, especially as the craft had completed its high-speed orbital entry.  
  
The sound of a torrent of plasma bombs and proton torpedoes leaving their launchers was somewhat more subtle, and thus the significance of their deployment was lost completely, until it was far too late.  
  
  
  
*SHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!*  
  
*KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!*  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ _______  
  
  
  
The time: 8:30 PM.  
  
The place: Los Angeles, California.  
  
Just two hours after the explosion that destroyed over a square mile of land and killed a lot of people, a party was being held. There was singing, and dancing, drinking, and even some stripping (Shampoo apparently couldn't hold her liquor very well).  
  
But most importantly, there was an execution.  
  
  
  
BD coughed, and then regarded the man tied firmly to a wooden post who was glaring at him. "Prism Knight, you have been, to put it bluntly, a major pain in the ass. You took over my studio, overpaid the lower-level employees, and let a bunch of masochists and sadists capture and torture me. If it weren't for my loyal assistant," BD smiled appreciatively at Max, who raised his drink to his director, "as well as a bunch of other guys who really didn't care at all, then I'd be shoveling toxic sushi into my mouth right now."  
  
PK struggled mightily, but the ropes held strong, and the gag worked perfectly. Black Dragon turned his attention to the gasoline-soaked wood piled under his brother.  
  
"So, despite the fact that I'll have to clean the kitchen after dinner from now on, I must now sentence you to death. It may seem a little extreme, but then, we're not the most tolerant of people." There were nods of agreement all around.  
  
BD clasped his hands behind his back, then stepped away. "Let's see now... how do they say? Ah, yes! Payback's a bitch. CyMage, if you would do the honors?"  
  
The mysterious sorcerer nodded, and the tip of his staff lit aflame. PK struggled against his bonds in vain, and the gag muffled his pained cries as the gasoline caught.  
  
"Koombaya, my lord, koombaya... koombaya, my lord, koombaya... oooooooooh lord, koombayaaaaaa..." Mantech1 stopped singing, and several of the other people around the bonfire applauded. Then the festivities started up again.  
  
  
  
"So, let me get this straight. While we were off finding BD, you guys were rescuing Nighthawk?" Ranma stared incredulously at LuxDragon, who nodded happily.  
  
"Yup. Kind of makes your pitiful efforts seem kind of insignificant, huh?" Ranma snorted, but reluctantly nodded.  
  
  
  
"There's no way! How do I owe you THIS much?" Black Dragon glared at CyMage, who shrugged.  
  
"I get a standard hourly fee plus a bonus for enemies killed, as well as an additional service charge if I make sure to act cool while doing it. It doesn't matter though. That's my invoice. Pay it, or you'll wish the Knights still had you."  
  
  
  
"I swear, it was THIS big!"  
  
"I know that, I was there, dolt."  
  
  
  
"Woo! Shake it baby!"  
  
"C'mon Shampoo! Take it OFF!!"  
  
"Hold it... I think she's sobering up a little..."  
  
"Awwwwwwww......"  
  
  
  
"Your attention please!!" Black Dragon stood atop the pedestal on one side of the empty lot, and looked over the crowd as everyone turned to face him.  
  
"I just wanted to take a few moments to say how much I appreciate all this. You, my friends, have rescued me from a fate worse than death. Worse than hell itself, I'd say." He took a sip of root beer, then cleared his throat.  
  
"What my brother has done shall be undone! Never shall another mushy, overdramatic romance plague these unholy sets! Never again shall my actors be restricted in their actions!! And NEVER, EVER AGAIN shall any studio employees under the actors live for more than a week at a time!!!"  
  
The crowd erupted in wild cheers, and various items were spontaneously thrown onto the stage. Fortunately for BD, most of them missed.  
  
"NOW!!! LET A NEW AGE OF DESTRUCTION AND HAVOC REIGN!!! WE SHALL BRING SUFFERING AND POOR CHARACTERIZATION TO ALL MANKIND!!! REJOICE, MY FRIENDS!!!"  
  
A whole new wave of cheers started. Ranma suddenly jumped onto the stage.  
  
"All right!! All the girls, each of you find a white t-shirt and meet me on the set in 5 minutes!!" Ranma jumped off the pedestal and rushed off to get a hose.  
  
The females in the group (minus Akane, who was muttering to herself) all shared a look of understanding, then rushed off toward their dressing rooms.  
  
The men in the group shared a look of greater understanding, grinned widely, and then rushed off to watch.  
  
  
  
BD stared at where the milling mass had been just moments before. Akane stared back at him.  
  
He was just about to sit down and sink into depression when his assistant director returned.  
  
"Max! Old buddy! I knew you'd come back! So..." BD trailed off as his friend passed him, picked up a keg of liquor, and then turned back the way he had come.  
  
Black Dragon looked around desperately. "Uh... Akane! Old buddy!" Her eyes narrowed at him. "Never mind."  
  
Shrugging to herself, the actor pulled a bottle of amber liquid from a cooler next to the pedestal. After a moment of thought, she waved the bottle at her employer. "Scotch?"  
  
BD lifted his head from his moping. "I don't drink."  
  
Akane shrugged again. "I won't tell anyone."  
  
"No ice, please."  
  
  
  
*************************************************************************** *******  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
That's it. I'm done. This is the final chapter to my second most shameful achievement as an author.  
  
For those who like this story and are disappointed to see it end, well, first off, I pity you for liking it. Second, I'm sorry, but it would seem that whatever chemicals that polluted my city's water supply have been filtered out, and I'm no longer suffering from delusions or hallucinations. Think of it as temporary sanity, if you will.  
  
This hereby marks the first fanfiction "series" that I've ever completed. Somehow, it seems to be something less of an accomplishment than what I hoped. 


End file.
